Dear Self, Let’s Talk About the Last Couple of Months, Shall We?

Posted on April 15, 2013

Dear Self,

Can we talk? No, put the Johnny Sokko DVD case back on the shelf. We can watch it together later. And don’t you dare pick up the Ultraman DVD set instead. Put them all back…right next to Firefly. For now, you and I need to have a conversation that’s been coming on for about three weeks. What do you mean ‘what do you mean?’ Can we please not treat each other like we’re stupid? There’s some crap going on with us lately and I know you’ve noticed that it’s not getting any better. It’s getting worse and neither of us has figured out a way to put a cap on it. So let’s see if we can figure a bit of this out.

The regular everyday stress hasn’t helped, so let’s acknowledge that right off the bat. Helping take care of dad ain’t easy. He doesn’t mean to, but he tries all our patience at every turn and it’s just the nature of Alzheimer’s. Seeing mom stressed makes it even more difficult. That combined with everything that happened with the hubby’s father since December pushed things over the edge. But yes, it was absolutely worth it.

Not writing in the new book hasn’t helped either. Do you know the last time you did work on Gaylias 2? It was in December. I checked. That’s when all the additional stress began and the only way you could devote more time to doing what needed to be done was give up something that’s really part of your lifeblood. We’ll get back to it soon enough. I’ll see that.

Nobody knew that the three years they gave our father-in-law to live was only going to turn out to be three months. There was no way to see that coming. Ralph’s mandate for his father after we found out about the three years was simple; make every day count. You helped do that. Ralph and his brother did everything they could and you helped. The crux of this for us right now is what the outcome turned out to be after having invested so much into making every day count. Everybody gave so much of themselves and for things to turn out like they did honestly just sucks.

What the three of us did for him was give him help and hope in the face of fear and death. We should all be so lucky to have loved ones around us who’d do that. But let’s face it, you’re 42 years old and this is the first time you’ve ever been this close to someone who’s passed away. It’s a little late in life for this to happen, like someone getting the chicken pox as an adult. Heads will turn in disbelief. So yes, you were all feeling sucker punched and knocked on your asses. You picking yourself up has seemed a bit difficult, though. Is it because you’re tall? The bigger they are, the harder they fall sort of thing?

You and I aren’t someone who back away from a challenge. We don’t surrender. Maybe this time, though, just maybe, we need to back ourselves off the frontline, regroup, get our wits about us and go back with a clear head. There’s no shame in that. Part of being human is admitting when you need help, even if we are married to a Vulcan.

This too shall pass. The insomnia, the lack of motivation, the bags under your eyes, the disinterest in New Release Blu-Ray Tuesday, the lack of feeling like you need to eat until you start shaking from not eating, the headaches, the not being social, the not wanting to answer the phone, the not wanting to respond to e-mail, and the having to fake being happy in social media when that’s not really how you’re feeling. This is not abnormal for someone who’s experienced loss and is inundated with other bits of everyday stress coming at him from all directions. It’s abnormal for you, though.

Remember those It Gets Better videos? Same thing here, just a different situation. It’ll get better over time, but before it does, we need to go somewhere and clear our head. We just need a little ‘me’ time and that’s not being selfish to suggest. Let’s figure out where you want to go and what you want to do when we get there. And let’s go one step further; let’s actually go.

Yes, I agree. We need to take that honeymoon with our husband at some point. It’s time to get the hubby to get off his bum and schedule something we can all agree on. Because see, that’s the other thing that’s going to help us get through this. We’re married. There’s that whole for better or for worse, through thick and thin, through VHS to Laserdisc, through Laserdisc to DVD, through DVD to Blu-Ray and beyond. He’s what makes you complete and you complete him. So be complete together. In just a little bit of time.

Now, where shall we go?

________________________
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

10 Responses to “Dear Self, Let’s Talk About the Last Couple of Months, Shall We?”

Vastine Bondurant says:
April 15, 2013 at 7:58 am
Yep. You’re right about the married part…the through for better of for worse, through thick and thin. And that’s wonderful.

And where to go? It will come to you, the right place.

**Hugs** to you and Ralph.

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Kris says:
April 15, 2013 at 10:16 am
Am now in the right place. =) I even had two pretty darn good nights of sleep. Removing oneself in order to regroup was definitely the right thing to do.

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jane says:
April 15, 2013 at 8:39 am
being married to a vulcan made me grin 😀
and your right, what your feeling is perfectly normal and nessassary.
the hunnymoon sounds perfect, somewhere warm with a beach, possibly with topless waiters and drinks with umbrellas
*hugs and loves*

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Kris says:
April 15, 2013 at 10:16 am
Oddly enough, his brother is more like a Romulan than a Vulcan. Weird, huh? Same family, different sides of the same coin.

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Dorien says:
April 15, 2013 at 9:48 am
There’s an old saying I just made up: “It’s not what you go through that matters so much as how you handle it.” You’ve done remarkably well, all things considered.

But you definitely need a vacation. You’ve been to Asia umpty-seven times, so I recommend a 15 day Viking river cruise from Budapest to Amsterdam. Tell Ralph I said so.

D

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Kris says:
April 15, 2013 at 10:19 am
I suggested the cruise to Ralph and while I don’t think he was referring to part of your anatomy in a sexual sense, the words ‘on crack’ were mentioned.

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Lloyd Songal says:
April 15, 2013 at 10:20 am
You’ve all been throught the mill making the most of the time you had left together. Dealing with everyday issues. I hope you enjoy yourself in NYC; but a honeymoon is in order for sure. For some quiet time alones together sounds like a good idea. To that end The Banyon in Key West is a wonderful retreat from the world; of course there are still many guest houses to choose from, you just do not want to be out on the streats when there are 3 cruise ships in town. It is close to not difficult to get to. There is also Las Vagus which is a totally different venue. If you can get away for a while Paris, France, We always opt to stay in the Morey Area near the Pompidue and wihich is also quite gay, or a river cruise is a very nice get away, we did Burganduy , which was great. Itally, Spain and Greece are also great fun if you can get away for a while. I see a lot of research in your future and talks with Ralph. Best of wishes for a great honeymoon and bonding experience. All my best. Lloyd

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Martha Swartz says:
April 15, 2013 at 12:13 pm
It’s definitely time to do something for YOU!
You’ve been dealing with a lot!
It’s time to get your butt in gear & face
the Warmer weather that I think is finally here.
Go enjoy a walk and make plans for that honeymoon!
I love you Man!!!

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Sue Brown says:
April 15, 2013 at 3:36 pm
Take it from one who knows, you and Ralph need a room somewhere you can swing from the chandeliers.

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Katherine T. says:
April 16, 2013 at 1:41 am
It’s about time you took some time for yourself. You are long overdue. I’m glad it’s given you the needed rest and relaxation.
I hope you and Ralph can take that honeymoon sooner than later. You both need some time to concentrate on each other and be together to do something that is all about your relationship and life together. Wherever you decide to go, make it soon and enjoy yourselves. You both need it.
I hope these few days of rest has brought back some of the joy and magic of new release Tuesdays. Blurays can be so much fun. 😉