Flying The Curmudgeonly Skies
Posted on May 6, 2023
Do you remember the good ol’ days of flying on an airplane? You know, where your flight attendants were out of a rated R Samuel Jackson film? They’d look at you, tell you to sit your (expletive) down in the (expletive) seat, sit still and (expletive) like it. Then, when they came by later at mealtime, you’d get asked “Chicken or the (expletive) (expletive) beef?” and they’d toss one your way. You were lucky if you got what you asked for, and even luckier if it happened to also be edible. Those were the days, and, boy, have those days changed! Now it’s the (inmates) passengers taking over.
It seems my Google feed showcases stories about horrific passengers on a daily basis. I don’t know what’s worse, that or the fact I keep reading them. Have I ever had many of the problems I’m reading about? No. The worst I’ve seen in terms of unruly are people getting drunk going to Vegas. Twice. Morons. I’ve had several occasions when I’ve been seated next to a screaming baby/child. Hey, it’s not exactly a champagne moment for the parent(s) either, and they do their best. Besides, that’s what noise cancelling earphones are for.
I’ve never been asked to change seats yet. Operative word being “yet”. I read a ton about folks who are asked, and who politely decline only to be called names throughout the flight for their decision. Here’s the thing…the chances of me switching seats with someone are slim. If it means going deeper back into the airplane, nope. If it means the dreaded middle seat, nope. I chose my seat for a reason, and that’s what I’m expecting to occupy. That isn’t to say I won’t change with someone under any circumstance. I might, but it’d have to be for a pretty darn good reason.
Now, on a flight back in January with a stopover in South Korea, I kept feeling something nudging my elbow. I thought at first that it was my imagination. Nope. Turns out the woman behind me took her shoes off, put her feet up on my armrests, and thought she was rubbing a hard part of the armrest with her toes. I fidgeted twice to give her a polite hint, which she didn’t take, so when she wiggled her toes again, I rather suddenly jammed my elbow back as far as I could. She figured out what she was rubbing pretty quickly. The look she received from me when I turned around and stared at her ensured she kept her damn feet off the armrests the rest of the flight. Seriously, who takes their shoes off and rests their feet on someone’s armrest???
One thing I enjoy about flying is the opportunity to catch up on writing. Unfortunately, it’s rare because when the seat in front of me reclines, it makes working on a laptop pretty well impossible. Do I complain? No. I usually just find a movie to watch that I wouldn’t have paid to see in the first place, and annoy the person behind me by reclining. A 13 ½ hour flight is going to require a little reclining, and a little is really all you get.
Oh, I did have someone who got on a flight after me and who needed some room to store their bags share the compartment above my seat. I’m fine with that. I travel pretty light, and I almost never use up much room. However, this person had quite a bit and wanted to move my items to make room for their own. I apparently can look a little intimidating when I need to and politely, though firmly, told him absolutely not, then sent him on his less-than-merry way. Unless you’re Ryan Reynolds…or Mrs. Ryan Reynolds…asking for room, then you’re nobody to me.
Look, who wants to be around people they don’t know for 13 ½ hours? I don’t even want to be around people I do know for 13 ½ hours. I’m courteous to the flight attendants, I don’t give them attitude or a hard time, and I will tolerate the other passengers as long as they tolerate me. I’m perfectly content watching a movie, writing, listening to music, or trying to take a nap. Beyond that, as Samuel Jackson might say, (expletive off)!
Hi, Karen. I’m Kristoffer. Kristoffer trumps Karen.
Just out of curiosity, what’s the worst flight experience you’ve ever had?
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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the novella Falling Awake, Falling Awake II: Revenant, Falling Awake III: Requiem, Falling Awake IV: Retribution, The Beautiful Moment, and the forthcoming Butterflies I Have Known.
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