I Guess I’d Go Away If I Was Ignored Too

Posted on December 1, 2014

My grandmother has been in a funk lately. Her memory of the holidays goes back far longer than my own. I remember the Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings at her house when I was a kid, only from the viewpoint as that of a child. She remembers them as an adult. And she misses them. There were easily twenty or thirty people who’d show up at the house my mother and her siblings grew up in. Only, then, people would stay all day, sometimes even overnight. Yes, there was a bit more open drinking going on then than today. Nobody really stays like that anymore. Grandma finally threw in the towel this year and declared she wasn’t doing Christmas at her place anymore. Instead, she’s joining us and our drama.

The transition from the seventies into the eighties and beyond found the group of people who’d show up at grandma’s decreasing in size. Relatives passed away and as they did, cousins, friends and spouses of those relatives—who only showed up because they figured it was their duty to—found other places to go or simply stayed away. It happens. I was never fond of most of my cousins when I was a child, so I’d have been just as happy staying at home. I’d have missed grandma and the incredible feasts she made, but that’s pretty much about all. The woman is a hell of a cook. Incidentally, none of my cousins and I are in touch today. They’ve all gone and fucked off somewhere and I really couldn’t care less.

Any holiday regulars soon became the immediate family of mom, her siblings, and their spouses. Even then there was drama. My crazy aunt’s soon-to-be husband made HUGE efforts to get the family to like and accept him, then, once he married my aunt, we never saw him. My aunt came home from work one day to find he’d moved out. Mind you, this was her second husband. Her first one is still (I think) doing time in Jackson State Prison. Yeah, she can pick em’. And my other aunt? If not for chance encounters at grandma’s, I would never opt to see her. I can be nice to her right until the moment she opens her mouth, then all bets are off. Someone who is nice to your face, then turns around and stabs you in the back, is not someone I choose to be around, blood relative or not.

So grandma joined us at our house again this Thanksgiving. Aside from bringing over a homemade apple strudel, she didn’t have to cook, clean or entertain. She just sat back and allowed Honorable Husband to entertain her and mum while I cooked and cleaned. Dad behaved for the most part, though he kept insisting they get their coats on so he could go home, which really started to annoy the hell out of Mom.

I didn’t spend much time with Dad. Between the cooking and organizing, I really tended to dismiss him. I made sure he could work the puzzle in the kitchen, then suggested several times he go and do a word search on the computer in the office, but it was honestly just to give him something to do and keep him out of the way. It sounds horrible to say when I read that last bit, but it’s the truth. We can really only keep him occupied these days, otherwise we never know what behavior will come out of him next. So, yeah, I kind of ignored him except for finding things for him to do to stay out of everyone’s hair. He can’t even follow conversations anymore, so he gets bored sitting there and starts to misbehave.

As everybody was getting their coats on to leave at the end of the evening, Dad looked over at mom and asked “Is my mother waiting for me outside?” His mother has been dead for over 30 years. Mom got him home and this is the first time he didn’t recognize the house he’s lived in for more than 40 years. “Don’t you live in a house in Detroit?” he asked Mom. Then, after they got settled in and Mom was checking her e-mail, she heard the front door open. She caught Dad just as he was unlocking the screen door. “My mother is outside waiting for me.” No. No, she’s not. “Well, then it’s my sister who’s outside waiting for me.” His sister passed away from cancer a while back.

Scary? A little. It’s new that he’d say these things. It’s also scary because it shows a divide between maintaining a quality of life for him and one for us. But then, too, I guess if I was being ignored by my son and being kept busy so my wife could eat a peaceful meal for a change, I’d want to go somewhere I felt people were waiting for me, too.

It makes for a bitter taste after pumpkin pie and apple strudel.

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

12 Responses to “I Guess I’d Go Away If I Was Ignored Too”

Patricia Hebel says:
December 1, 2014 at 7:16 am
Oh that incident with your dad had to be scary as heck. When my mom sleeps, she often talks to people who have been dead and gone for years. That freaks me out!

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monique says:
December 1, 2014 at 7:17 am
It’s hard and it’s never gonna get easy. As much as you want to see maybe a little bit of his old self come back.mit makes the holidays harder and your heart hurt more. Hugs I wish I had better words of wisdom for you,

Now getting back to your Aunts and their spouses wow and here I thought my family had drama. You are a braver man than I am Gunga Din when it comes to dealing with your aunts.

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JP Adkins says:
December 1, 2014 at 9:56 am
This year was the first time my sister decided to get a hall because the houses are too small to entertain all the family. I hate that you have to go through this time with your father. I always admired your strength.

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JP Barnaby says:
December 1, 2014 at 10:08 am
You are entirely too hard on yourself – we have talked about this a few times. People do the same thing with their kids – that’s why play yards were invented. It doesn’t mean they’re loved any less. It just means that they can’t be 100% of the focus all the time, honey. And that’s okay.

You get to have a life too – you and your mom. Love you – give your mom a hug from me. <3

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Dorien Grey says:
December 1, 2014 at 10:14 am
One word: “sigh.”

Another excellent, perceptive, and honest blog, Kris. You’ve done your mom…and your dad…proud.

D

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Carah Guiliano says:
December 1, 2014 at 11:04 am
*sniffles* As always, my friend, I wish I could take your pain away. Towards the end, my mother had dementia, not Alzheimers, but it is much the same. It does hurt the heart. It is frustrating, and can bring on guilt like nothing else when you’ve gone as far as you can with care and attention and need a break. You have my utmost respect with the strength you show every day with your dad. I’m not sure I could be that strong, and go through what you do. My love to you and take a deep breath. You deserve it! <3

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sue laybourn says:
December 1, 2014 at 11:30 am
Kris, it’s never easy dealing with a family member who has Alzheimers. If it’s any comfort, when people have Alzheimers, they often want to go back to a time when they felt safe and secure. It’s no reflection on what is happening to them at the present time, it’s just the way their mind works. So what happened was nothing to do with you ignoring him.
The mind of a person with Alzheimer’s is like a collapsed book case. Each shelf represents a time in their life. Sometimes just the top two or three shelves collapse sometimes a few more, taking them further back. It’s so much harder on a person’s loved ones than on the person with the disease. I know it’s scant comfort. But that’s what I was taught when I worked in a care home.
Sending hugs. You are doing an amazing job with your father. JP’s right. You are too hard on yourself. So many people with Alzheimers don’t have the love and support that you’ve given your Dad.
xxx

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Betty says:
December 1, 2014 at 1:36 pm
Listen to me and stop at the Lowes or Home Depot and pick up a couple of those door sensors that alarm when they’re open. Just a little help for one small part of this. For all the rest of it {{{big hugs}}}.

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Katherine trick says:
December 1, 2014 at 2:06 pm
For you and mum’s peace of mind, I would suggest door alarms. If the door is opened it will go off. That way , if mum is occupied, or asleep, the alarm will go off if dad tries to leave the house. My cousin’s had to do that for their dad so he couldn’t skip out on them.
I wish their were magic words I could say that would make things better. Cyber HUGS are all I’ve got. You’re a good person, and a kind one to boot. That makes you a rich person, indeed.

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Kiernan Kelly says:
December 1, 2014 at 2:17 pm
Kris, never, EVER blame yourself for giving yourself or your mom a respite, or I will reach right through the Internet and slap you upside the head. You are good son. I’d go as far as to say you’re a great son. Not many would do what you do, for as long as you’ve done it. You understand family, you respect and love your dad enough to give of yourself and your husband not just on holidays, but every day of the year.

Having your dad for the holidays is like having a child. Yes, you keep them busy so they don’t get into trouble or misbehave. They have the same behavior patterns, but no one thinks twice about giving the kid a coloring book and crayons, or parking them in front of the television. The only difference, is your father isn’t a cute four year old. I repeat – you did nothing wrong, and nothing you did precipitated the break your dad had with reality. Maybe its just the holidays in general that sparked his remarks, a nostalgia for times gone past pushing into his present.

Your father may not realize it, but you ARE A WONDERFUL SON.

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Bobbie aka the cute PIA says:
December 1, 2014 at 10:18 pm
I’m with Kieran, Kris.

My grandmother never recognizes me anymore unless David is with me. David’s eyes remind her of Papa, so it triggers something.

I do suggest those small alarms for the windows and doors.

By beating yourself up over this, you put more guilt on an already burdened mind. Stop, and listen. He is not going to get better. How are you a bad son, when all I see in between your funny or writing posts is a son who has stepped up?

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Patricia Logan says:
December 1, 2014 at 10:43 pm
I’m sorry, honey. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to deal with what you live with daily. My folks both had their faculties until the day they died, though my father had absent minded episodes (forgetting where he put his glasses etc) but when I read about what you deal with, I know it is nothing like your dad. It sounds like the time may come when an alternative placement will have to be explored for your mom’s peace of mind. There are care homes which are special to dementia and Alzheimer’s patients. Maybe check into those if finances and insurance allows. My heart is with you both, sweetheart. Until then, you’re doing the best you can do. XXOO