My Plans For the Afterlife

Posted on February 14, 2013

I’ve been thinking a bit about the afterlife lately. Morbid, right? It’s not really my fault. With things going wrong in both families, it’s natural that someone is going to steer us down that path of discussion. I find, though, that their idea of the afterlife and my own are very, very different. More on that in a bit. But can you imagine for a moment what social media must be like in the afterlife? What if someone up there decides you’ve put too many friend requests in? What if this same someone had an automated message sent to God telling Him or Her that He/She has put in one too many requests and is going to be penalized for two weeks for doing so. You can bet that individual is going to get a message back stating “You go to Hell!”

I imagine advertisers in this life are going to find themselves out of a job in the next. How do you up-sell items in the afterlife? I’m hoping they’re as stumped about that as I am, otherwise we’re all in for a major upset. One thing I’m sure my friend and fellow author Dorien Grey will be pleased about is I doubt there are any afterlifenet spammers. And if there are, they live down below where a whole different kind of firewall keeps them out.

One thing really boggles me, at least about this subject. If everybody who came before us has in mind an afterlife that mirrors their own with the current state of technology as it existed back then, then what must they think of us when we get there—if we’re lucky enough to get there—with our current state of technology? I’d hate to think we’d go back to the abacus and writing items out with a quill pen dipped in ink. Imagine entire generations having to unlearn typing and relearn how to use an actual writing instrument. Males should be okay. They’d just have to learn to hold them and not stroke them, which I’m certain would lead to some very embarrassing social faux pas.

My idea of the afterlife—I’m getting back to this now—would be to simply look up in the sky and see a sister ship of the starship Enterprise, though this one would be named Discovery, just before it beamed me aboard to be met by the afterlife actors of the original Star Trek television show and film series. That’s…that’s like the perfect welcome. “You’re dead, it was painless and welcome to your starship.” See? Perfect. I could invite friends and family to join me on adventures, explore the universe and even fire off a few photon torpedoes at asteroids. Heck, who doesn’t want to give the order to fire some photon torpedoes??? And I’m totally serious. I’m owning that this is how I hope that afterlife is.

This isn’t to say that I wouldn’t want to explore the history of the earth itself or meet some of my relatives. I do. Just after I’ve had a few spins around the galaxy. Besides, I’m sure they’ll put in a friend request on HeavenBookDotCom, so it’s not like we won’t keep in touch before I’m able to meet them in person. I am going to have to be very, very careful in case things don’t quite turn out like I’m hoping. I swear, if I’m lucky enough to make it upstairs and I walk out of the light into zero-technology world and somebody hands me an abacus, I will most likely be doing just that; swearing. That won’t win me any favors.

On the other hand, if things work out like I’m projecting, imagine how much fun we’ll have. Imagine receiving that e-mail stating “You Have 3 Trillion New Friend Requests!” What I’ll be looking forward to, though, is when the hubby comes to join me one day. I’ll take him for a quick ride around the solar system before flying us back to afterlife earth and beaming down for dinner with The Golden Girls, then drinks with Designing Women. I think that would be a nice start to eternity, don’t you?

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

8 Responses to “My Plans For the Afterlife”

Dorien says:
February 4, 2013 at 10:24 am
I have every confidence that God, reading your blog, will smile and say “Make it so!”

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Katherine T. says:
February 4, 2013 at 10:44 am
But, until then, live long and prosper.

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JP Adkins says:
February 4, 2013 at 11:40 pm
I see it now Gair and Logan in Space

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Kris says:
February 5, 2013 at 9:18 am
We’re already out in space. And in a couple of months, folks can read the first tale of it. lol

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Lloyd Songal says:
February 5, 2013 at 12:36 am
The “Final Frontier”. Life is good, hope to enjoy all that comes my way I am fortunate to be very positive, “Like that which does not kill you; Makes you stronger”. I think sometimes we thrive and grow in adversity. Life is what you make it on any situation. I would make a great arbiter.

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Kris says:
February 5, 2013 at 9:19 am
What doesn’t kill you may make us stronger, but it also has a tendency to piss me off. lol

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M says:
February 7, 2013 at 6:07 pm
Hi Kris,

If you’re serious, there are many cultures who form “ghost objects” to burn or otherwise offer their ancestors. It used to be just “ghost money” but, in modern China, I’ve seen people offering things like cardboard replicas of DVD players, cars, houses and money in effigy to the dead. The theory is that this makes these things manifest in the afterlife. If I were you, I’d state specifically in my will that a well created “Discovery” and dolls of the original cast be placed in front of your casket or urn. 🙂

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Kris says:
February 8, 2013 at 11:33 pm
I hadn’t heard about that, but I LOVE the way you think. Thank you for the info. =)

Of course, I’ll need to see what kind of entertainment system they have upstairs and if it’s compatible with all region DVDs and Blu-Rays. If so, I’ll just have then burn a few ghost discs and transfer my collection up. Saves time and effort that way.