Sheraton Republicans & A Husky Bear With A Big Basket
Posted on June 14, 2012
Did you know I have an agenda? At least I’m told I do, which is odd because I’m not fond of agendas. If you have an agenda, it usually means there’s a meeting in your future and that means taking notes. I’m not a note taker. And if you take notes, that means you have to send your notes out. Here’s a thought…take your own notes. Anyway, back to this agenda thing. This guy who keeps e-mailing me, Eugene Delgaudio, insists that homosexuals–of which I am apparently one–have this agenda thing where we’re trying to get gay marriage passed in the United States. Right. Um…does that mean it IS the agenda or it’s ON the agenda? I get confused pretty easily. And quite frankly, I’m so sick of hearing about this that I figured I should spend some time delving into my past in an attempt to discover just I how I opted into this whole being a homosexual thing…with pictures! Let’s have some fun.
First, according to Eugene, there is this anomaly called a ‘Log Cabin Republican’. Now, these ‘Log Cabin Republicans’ are on the lookout for something called ‘conservative politicians who are weak on moral issues’. It’s possible that Eugene is really a fiction writer and we’re all getting seriously punked by a group of people taking his writings seriously. I obviously don’t fit into this anomaly of ‘Log Cabin Republicans’ because, let’s be honest, log cabins don’t do anything for me. Now if they’d called themselves ‘Hilton Republicans’ or ‘Sheraton Republicans’, they might have had a better chance of snagging me. And do I really need to address the irony of having to look far for a politician, conservative or otherwise, who’s weak on moral issues? Remember the song ‘Say It Isn’t So’ by The Outfield? Sing it with me now.
So, I’m obviously not one of those ‘Log Cabin Republican’ things and I’ll take a long shot and say I’m also not a conservative politician who’s weak on moral issues. I admit that it’s not much of a starting point, so I dug into an album of pictures I recently pulled out of storage. Surely there’s a hint somewhere to be found here.
Okay, this looks totally suspect. I have an Easter basket and a teddy bear. Basket? Bear? Are we onto something here? Was teddy one of those anatomically correct bears? Was I checking out the bear’s basket? No, probably not. I wound up with an Asian, kind of a far stretch from a bear minus the attitude. I’m not convinced the Easter basket helped steer me into the homosexual lifestyle either. Please do correct me if you think I’m wrong, though. I may be missing something very important here, like comparing the shape of the candy to testes or some such stupid thing.
Aha! It was the dog! Like the butler, the dog also did it. She was a Husky. Get it? Husky? And I owned a bear whose basket I must have checked out. A husky bear with a big basket? This is almost becoming alliteration. It was the dog. She had to have been the cause. Hypnotizing blue eyes, companionship, an unending source of love, wanted to go on walks and be fed treats. Totally gay, right? Or is that a stretch?
It was Scooby-Doo! Darn that dog and the group of horny, free-loading, drug-using kids he hung with. They were obviously into bestiality, but it was so subtle in the cartoons that I never caught on to it. And it makes sense, doesn’t it? Whenever someone is going off about gays marrying, they inevitably bring up people marrying their animals next. Isn’t one of the perks of being married to be able to have sex? So if you marry your animal, one of you is getting lucky and one of you probably isn’t. It was Scooby. And I was apparently being given dollar bills to pay for lap dances later on once my birthday party got into full swing because that’s what you do when someone turns 7.
Obviously, once a kid has gotten onto the wrong path because of Scooby-Doo, the only way to keep him on that wrong path is to force him to watch science fiction. I’m sure the Bible has a reference somewhere in it that if a young lad who watched Scooby Doo is then subjected to Star Trek, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica and Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, he’ll begin to mimic all the gayness these shows instilled in their viewers. Watch someone blow up a Cylon, go blow your best friend, right? But I digress and I could go on, only let’s not.
It’s, uh…wow. This has just been absurd. Truly. Yet I’ll bet somebody somewhere out there has actually thought about this and considered all of these things I’ve mentioned. Bugs Bunny in drag? I’ve heard that as an argument more than once. Bugs frickin’ Bunny. Really?
Look, you can’t beat this out of somebody. You can’t electroshock this out of somebody. You can’t pray this out of somebody. You also can’t blame a teddy bear, Easter basket, family dog, Scooby-Doo or science fiction for it. I tried and it sounded rightfully ridiculous. You can, however, lie about it and you can repress it, only we’ve seen how that turns out for people. Let me sum it up for you; not well. We’re a part of you and you’re a part of us. All we’re asking for are the same rights, security and opportunities you have. How can that be wrong?
Until next week, let me wish the fathers out there a very Happy Father’s Day!
Hug noises, (<—–A very gay thing to say, right?)
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.
12 Responses to “Sheraton Republicans & A Husky Bear With A Big Basket”
June 14, 2012 at 7:26 am
Good one, as always. But….”All we’re asking for are the same rights, security and opportunities you have. How can that be wrong?”….I didn’t know you were into fantasy, too.
June 16, 2012 at 7:27 am
I should probably try my hand at it. Fantasy, that is.
Sara York says:
June 14, 2012 at 8:08 am
What’s sad is someone some where believes that crap that something “caused” homosexuality instead of that’s just how you are. Dorien’s right, I didn’t know you were into fantasy.
Maybe in this lifetime people will wake up and realize that there is no difference between people who are gay and people who are straight. We’re all humans. We deserve equal protection under the law, which includes the protection of being allowed to marry whom we wish.
June 16, 2012 at 7:28 am
I’m tackling my first sci-fi story for an anthology that takes place in the future and I actually get to present some thoughts (for the story) of where I think homosexual history progresses. Definitely a different take.
Kayelle Allen says:
June 14, 2012 at 8:21 am
ROFL!! I loved this. ;o Sheraton Republicans for the Win. LOL
June 16, 2012 at 7:28 am
Not Hilton? lol
Silver Pixie says:
June 14, 2012 at 8:50 am
OMG I get those Same Emails!! Eugene Delgaudio Emails 3 or three times a day.. The emails are sad, but sometimes they make me laugh. Apparently the Gay Agenda People have more money to support their deviant take over of the world while they themselves have no money and are in need of Donations. Thank you for posting this 🙂
June 16, 2012 at 7:29 am
I’ve written about Eugene once before. Bit of a tit, he is.
June 14, 2012 at 12:34 pm
The idea that images can turn us gay or straight has things entirely ass-backwards, like saying food is responsible for our hunger.,,take away the food, take away the hunger? lol
June 16, 2012 at 7:30 am
What? It doesn’t work that way? Darn it. Now I’m hungry all over again.
Katherine T. says:
June 14, 2012 at 9:46 pm
Good one! Unfortuneately, the people who actually come up with those arguments won’t get the sarcasm and irony of this post. Sad, but true.
June 16, 2012 at 7:30 am
They hang around me long enough, they’ll start getting the sarcasm.