A Double Entendre, Constipation & Expecting the Unexpected
Posted on April 26, 2008
Expect the unexpected. Isn’t that what people expect? Oooooh, the irony and most people don’t even know what that is. You do, though, right? Good. Thought so. That means you get the joke. One of my coworker’s daughters is pregnant with her second child with the second father–it’s the whole you-can-make-a-joke-out-of-this-10-different-ways-routine and it’s still all true–and he was bragging one day how good she was at math. Naturally, I perked up and stated “well, she certainly knows how to divide and then multiply”. Would you believe I had to explain that one to a few people in the room?
And no, that wasn’t mean. It was funny. It was wrong. It was funny because it was wrong. I like that kind of humor. We’re human and we err. To err is human. I err. To make fun of that erring (including my own) is one of my jobs.
For instance, have you ever heard about an urban legend in Detroit named Snooky? If not, don’t worry. You’ll read about her in the new book and also in future books. I just so happen to have contact with Snooky and let me tell you, what a feisty ol’ devil she is. Anyway, she had a birthday a month or so ago and I thought it would be lovely to have some flowers delivered…with a twist. heh heh heh
The card read:
You make wrinkles sexy!
Love Kris & Ralph”
She loved it and actually went around showing everybody the card along with the flowers. Naturally, this was after she took a swat or two at me. Love her! Had I simply sent flowers and card, she would have been disappointed. Anybody can do that, but not many people will take the time to personalize a gift. Case in point, the daughter of a friend just had a baby shower last weekend. We picked up the baby seat for her. Sure, she needed it, but the baby seat in itself is boring. Anybody can buy a baby seat, so I also picked up a soothing DVD for her called “Rosemary’s Baby”. And no, that wasn’t mean. It was just because I couldn’t find “It’s Alive” for her instead.
A friend of Ralph’s in Chicago, Marianne Labahn, ended up in the hospital this past week due to pneumonia. Going to any hospital for something like that can be a scary and horrific experience. People die there. I know. I saw the shitty remake of “The Eye” with Jessica-All-Blind-People-Look-Like-Me-Alba. Anyway, I felt that Diva (that’s what I call Marianne and she HATES it, frequently stating she isn’t a Diva…trust me, she’s a Diva) needed some cheering up. And not just any cheering up, but cheering up MY way. I’ll save you the story of ordering the flowers and just get to the point where I arrived home and the phone rang.
Diva: You have SOME nerve!
Moi: I’m sorry. Who is this?
Diva: You know &$^&$ well who this is!
Moi: Oh, DIVA!!! How are you feeling?
Diva: Quit calling me Diva! And I feel like shit.
Moi: I’m sorry to hear that. Are they taking good care of you?
Diva: All the doctors and nurses are asking why someone sent me a black balloon. I told them it’s because I have a smartass friend.
Moi: It wasn’t supposed to be black.
Diva: It wasn’t?
Moi: No. They were going to use a white paint marker and write “Pray for the dead” on there. Guess they decided not to. Did you like the flowers?
Diva: I…you wouldn’t…did…I can’t…yes, they actually quite beautiful.
Diva: I had to hide the card.
This is what the card said:
Constipation does not constitute a hospital visit.
Get unplugged soon.
Kris & Ralph”
Diva: Because everybody who came in thought I was constipated! It takes too goddamn long to tell them the story.
See? Had I just sent flowers and a card, she’d have been sooooo disappointed. I did try to send a stuffed animal, but the florist was out. Honest. I couldn’t include chocolate because she’s diabetic, so I thought a balloon might cheer her up. Anyway, I thought the bit about “get unplugged soon” was quite good. It’s a double entendre. I know, witty, right?
The scary part is these things come to me on the spur of the moment. They aren’t really planned, which is odd because I’m a planner for many other things.
So, that was just a little insight into the days that are my life, such as they are.
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.