A Genuinely Heartfelt Christmas Comedy, My Way!
Posted on December 17, 2020
It may surprise some of you to discover I used to write comedy. Now, I know what you’re saying…”Surely not! Not after making us cry and scream with the last three books you wrote!” But, it’s true. And I’ll eventually get around to writing comedy again. It’s a genre I’m quite fond of, and I think there are still some areas of it I can have fun with. I just need to get these other stories out of my head first. That being said, I did contribute to an anthology several years back titled Butt Babes In Boyland. Thank T.C. Blue for the title. It remains epic! A group of us did five of these anthologies–or Butt-thologies–in total. Each revolved around a different genre, but the Christmas one? I went balls to the walls with this story!
This is how I opened my little tale of tail I called It’s A Wonderful Lube:
Are you ready to add some magic into your life and earn money while doing it? Are you ready to develop sustainable strategies in the workforce and be a responsible corporate citizen? Do you possess the sincere desire to make merry and the gift of wonder in imagining the look on every man, woman, and child’s face when they unwrap the perfect holiday gift? If so, then you’ll want to apply for one of our many positions at Santa’s Workshop here at the North Pole!
Santa Holdings Incorporated Technologies (SHIT) is a management company offering competitive wages and packages close to—but not identical to similar companies located in third-world countries not part of the United Nations, discounted flights for when you get homesick*, room and board, and opportunities for advancement as well as lateral moves for valuable flexible work experience. There’s also reindeer games, but no elf tossing, please!
We’re looking for installers, electricians, technicians, statisticians, tacticians, wrappers, ropers, dispatchers, debriefers, stuffers, shufflers, fluffers, quality control specialists, consultants, coordinators, genealogists, gynecologists, meteorologists, and overall team players full of sunshine & joy and not afraid of working occasional overtime**.
Our company is your company, and your SHIT is committed to compliance with all applicable equal employment laws we consider worth recognizing and deem as benefiting our associates most. We are an equal opportunity employer***!
SHIT provides basic job application instructions in English and Broken English, so if you’re ready to join our team of dedicated men, women, reindeer, and elves in a fast-paced, rewarding, and exciting career working for the man who lives to come down your chimney and shoot back out once a year, then submit your resume today!
*All discounted flights are Coach Class or Freight, and any miles accumulated using this privilege must be credited to Santa’s corporate account.
**Occasional may refer to daily overtime and include working with disgruntled employees on third shift.
***We may not explicitly or implicitly discriminate on the basis of any prohibited factor unless we have a very good reason to be bothered by your race, sex, religion, national origin, disability, age, or sexual orientation. In the rare case we do, SHIT will be all over you.
Yes, believe it or not, that’s the set-up I came up with for the story. I’d grown tired of the corporate world and this was me giving it a bit of the middle finger for how some places of business skirt around rules and treat their employees. Naturally, I then had to introduce a bit about the plot, and our main character:
’Twas a late night in July
At the North Pole up high;
Frigid air surrounded Santa’s toy shop with impenetrable squalls,
Uninviting to anyone working there, especially if they had balls.
All was merry each evening until someone got plastered,
Causing security to remove the little elf bastard.
To third shift he went,
Until his attitude was spent;
For if his work ethic didn’t level,
He was bound to run into the elf terror known as Tall Devil.
Here was the man, the myth, someone with no history,
And what he was doing at the North Pole remained a bit of a mystery.
So it’s here our story starts with a little elf fury,
And his run-in with a young security intern from Missouri.
It’s scary sometimes when I realize this is how my brain works. Still, when it comes to genuinely heartfelt Christmas stories, I think It’s A Wonderful Lube could easily compare to anything playing on the Hallmark Channel. Don’t you?
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.