A Question of Self-Worth in My Own Comedic Way

Posted on July 21, 2013

I’ve given several things up over the years in order to accommodate my career as an author and also helping with my father, who I’ve put before my writing career. Much of what I’ve given up are things I enjoyed, like going to the movies a couple times a week, keeping up on all the Hollywood gossip, being far more social (in person) with friends, etc. And then there are things I’ve given up that I didn’t like, such as going to the doctor. Not that I ever made a habit of doing that, but I wasn’t really afraid to go if I felt I needed to. That’s changed over time. It changed even more when I no longer had health insurance. It almost sent me running for the hills when someone told me a week ago that what I may medically need could run me $15,000 to $20,000.

The weird thing about this is that I didn’t feel any pain. It’s only begun to get uncomfortable during the last week and I’m not sure if it’s because there’s now legitimate pain or if my brain is interpreting discomfort there because I know there really is a problem. Either way, I did promise my husband last week that I would bite the bullet and go to see the doctor. So go to the doctor I did and so off to the surgeon I soon went based on who the doctor said I should see. So I saw.

The surgeon’s minion interrogated me for a solid ten minutes and asked the most invasive questions.

Minion: Please tell me all of the surgeries you’ve had.
Moi: I’ve never had any.
Minion: What?
Moi: I’ve never had any.
Minion: Ever?
Moi: If it would make you feel better, you can list when I had my wisdom teeth removed.
Minion: When was that?
Moi: Back in 1987.
Minion: And you’ve never had anything since?
Moi: Did you get that impression?

Oh, and it got better.

Minion: You listed that you’re married.
Moi: Yes.
Minion: But you didn’t list whether or not you have safe sex.
Moi: That’s correct.
Minion: Why?
Moi: Because that’s personal.
Minion: We still need to know…for medical reasons.
Moi: Fine. I try to keep both knees planted firmly on the bed, but sometimes one slips or he flips me over.
Minion: That’s not what I meant.
Moi: Then you should have been more specific.

She finally left, partially unsatisfied with my answers, but also no longer concerned since I would soon be in the presence of the surgeon…and out of her sight. I will say that all the horror stories about long waits wasn’t to be found here. The office ran like a well-oiled machine and the surgeon walked into the room shortly after with a young female assistant in toe. I give him credit because he was friendly, informative, attentive, didn’t mind being asked questions, and he wasn’t condescending.

There were two problems, however. The first is when he had me pull my shirt up and he started to inspect my bellybutton area.

Surgeon: You said your partner pushed down on the area?
Moi: Repeatedly.
Surgeon: Why?
Moi: Because he’s sadistic.
Surgeon: Pardon me?
Moi: He can’t help himself. If something’s potentially wrong, he absolutely must investigate that area until it becomes annoying, which he did and which it became.
Surgeon: Can you feel this? (he pushes down on that area even more so than my husband had)
*pop*
Moi: Ouch. Yes.
Surgeon: Can you feel this?
*pop*
Moi: Ouch. Yes.
Surgeon: Can you feel this?
*pop*
Moi: Ouch. Yes. And if you do that again, I’ll use your balls as a slinky.

He then informs me that he needs to check and see if I had a second hernia. Where? In the groin area. Now, I totally should have gone to school and become a surgeon just so I could use that as a pick-up line. “Hey, I need to see if you’ve got a hernia in your groin area.” It could work.

Moi: What do you need me to do?
Surgeon: I need you to bring your shorts down.

So I unhook my belt and pull my shorts down a few inches, just enough to give him access and so that he can see my bright red designer underwear, which did give him and his assistant cause for a double take. This amused me, only it was short-lived when he pulled my underwear forward and down a bit while his assistant continued to watch.

Moi: Um…
Surgeon: Yes?
Moi: Could she turn away, please? A woman hasn’t seen my junk in thirty-five years. I’m really not looking to change that today.

She turned away.

The clincher is that when I sat down with the scheduling person to see when the next available time slot was for an operation, I had ask the dreaded question of how much this was going to cost. I mentioned earlier that someone told me it was between fifteen and twenty thousand dollars. The scheduler started to laugh when I told her this and she called another office worker over to hear the apparently exorbitant price. It’s going to cost considerably less. I’m grateful for this.

I seriously considered putting the surgery off for as long as possible if it was going to be the fifteen or twenty thousand. And that presented an interesting question I had to ask myself. Did I have so little self-worth that I wouldn’t spend that kind of money to piece myself back together? Did I not think my health was worth it? I wouldn’t think twice if it was my husband. But me? I’m a seasoned workhorse. It’s what I know. It’s what I do. I get from Point A to Point B, whatever it takes.

So I’ll be thinking about this question throughout the next week. I may not come up with an answer, but I’ll think about it. And with a little luck, I’ll know today when my surgery is scheduled.

This is so going to suck!
But hey, it’s Monday.

________________________
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

15 Responses to “A Question of Self-Worth in My Own Comedic Way”

Monique says:
July 22, 2013 at 9:05 am
Now now you could have given the assistant a chap thrill and let her look. Get well soon

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Kris says:
July 22, 2013 at 9:15 am
No, I really couldn’t. She’d just go home to her boyfriend and berate him for living up to unrealistic expectations.

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Wade Kelly says:
July 22, 2013 at 10:17 am
As always, you are humorous even when talking about serious issues. I hope you get the surgery. Health is nothing to mess with. Your man needs you!

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Kris says:
July 22, 2013 at 6:26 pm
That he does. And I’m trying my hardest to convince him not to come home this weekend. He’ll start off sweet and concerned, then his Asian side will kick in and my parents will have to smuggle me out.

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CR Guiliano says:
July 22, 2013 at 10:28 am
It’s nice that you can make THEM uncomfortable (even if you hid that over your junk *winks*) instead of the other way around. Those invasive questions just make me feel…like a number….a diagnosis…whatever. Certainly not a human being with feelings.

Anyway, sweetie, please keep in mind your health is important to your husband (or he wouldn’t have made you promise to go) and to the rest of us that love you. *hugs*

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Kris says:
July 22, 2013 at 6:27 pm
I figure a certain amount of flippancy is called for. If they’re going to ask invasive questions, then they’re going to get amusing answers. That’s my motto. Well, that’s one of my mottos. I have many.

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Patricia Logan says:
July 22, 2013 at 10:33 am

Get well soon, my lad. I love you and I only wish I was there to torment you in your hour of need <3

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Kris says:
July 22, 2013 at 6:29 pm
Thank you. Am just glad they’ve never heard of me before. You know, since I’m so famous. They’d have charged me more.

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Patricia Logan says:
July 22, 2013 at 8:38 pm
My point, cheap ass. LOL

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Dorien says:
July 22, 2013 at 11:24 am
Do it, do it, do it! No matter what the cost, you’ll pay it off eventually. I’ve had a parahyatal (?) in my chest and a groin hernia repaired, both laporoscopically, which is the only way to go.

DO IT!

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Kris says:
July 22, 2013 at 6:44 pm
It’s been confirmed for Friday. btw, been love your blog posts about your trip. =)

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Katy Trick says:
July 22, 2013 at 9:12 pm
You cheated the poor assistant out of her thrill for the day. Poor girl. She must have felt cheated. The surgeon on the other hand…….
I’m glad you are going to have the surgery. You will be in top form in no time flat. The hubs needs you healthy (and so do we). Healing thoughts and good karma being sent your way.

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Kris says:
July 22, 2013 at 9:18 pm
He’s already threatening to fly home for the weekend. I’m trying to dissuade him. He might just do it anyway, though.

And I was only too happy to cheat the poor assistant. She wants a peek, she can pay…just like everybody else. 😛

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Petra Bond says:
July 23, 2013 at 4:58 am
Just so you know, that poor girl is now so curious at what you keep in your shorts that she will be sneaking in once you are under anesthetic and taking pictures to share on social media!!
Hope this helps calm your pre-op nerves 😉

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Kris says:
July 23, 2013 at 9:22 am
Evil! Evil, I say! I knew there was a I reason I liked you, Petra. lol As long as she doesn’t show my face.