Bumping Bibles: A Bad Cup of Tea

Posted on August 20, 2015

I rarely pay much attention to politics, especially local politics in my state, unless things get really stupid. And I comment on it even less because…well, you can point out stupid, but there’s always that group of people who say “Yeah, but what they stand for is more important and their message is what matters.” Okay, really? For those of you who don’t live in Michigan, have you heard about Tea Party Republican State Representatives Todd Courser and Cindy Gamrat?

First, I’ve never met Todd or Cindy, and since they work for the state and are essentially here to represent the interests of Michiganders, I’m going to call them Todd and Cindy. I feel we should be on a first-name basis.

Now, there are some bills Todd introduced that he’s known for. Three, actually. You see, Todd was very concerned ahead of the US Supreme Court decision regarding marriage equality and decided we’d all be better off if he ended public officials from performing marriage ceremonies. Instead, such pairings would be left to churches and religious leaders to oversee. And since religious leaders don’t legally have to marry gay folks anyway—which makes one of the three bills Todd wanted to push through redundant—good luck finding one. And good luck to any atheists in Michigan, too. They’re just a rumor anyway. Like Narnia. And why does Todd feel so strongly about this?

In his words, “…my heart is broken for the spiritual health of our nation. My earnest hope and prayer in bringing this effort, and in all of my efforts, is to see the revival in all of our lives, our marriages, our families, our communities and of course for our nation, to be reawakened to the beauty, majesty and awesomeness of a loving God who in writing His love story to us has sent His one and only son to die for us and yet given us the freedom to accept or reject Him and His plan for our lives.”

Yes, Todd feels strongly about this because he loves run-on sentences. I’m sure he said something in there, but, wow.

Todd’s response to critics stating his bill would restrict marriage for gay couples and/or atheists is that it wouldn’t…because all anyone would have to do is find a member of the clergy willing to marry them. That’s like telling a vegetarian they can still eat in a restaurant as long as the person serving them is also cooking meat in the same pan. Oh, and they have to be able to ignore the sign in the window stating: “You must love meat to be served here.” They don’t really mix.

Let’s go to Cindy for a moment. What bills has she introduced? I don’t see that she’s written any, but she has fully supported people who legally own firearms to be able to carry them openly or concealed and, if it’s concealed, the permit would be optional and not mandatory. That makes me feel safe. And criminalizing abortions, letting medical personnel and medical facilities refuse services if they have a religious objection—also wonderful news for anyone gay, atheist or a religion other than the one the medical personnel believe in—and eliminate a requirement that police keep a gun license database. She also supported Todd’s bills regarding marriage.

She too believes the marriage bills aren’t anti-gay. Naturally I believe her, coming from someone who was the Volunteer Coordinator for Gary Glenn in 2012. She’s also a registered nurse—I’m guessing she’d be one of those folks who have religious objections to providing services to someone who she didn’t like. And, like Todd, has been outspoken about her conservative religious faith. In fact, Cindy and Todd found so much in common besides religion (both are married, have children, dislike gays…allegedly, etc) that they combined their offices despite serving districts on opposite sides of the state.

Their similarities were so powerful, in fact, that they had an affair. They bumped Bibles. He parted her Red Sea. I could go on, but I won’t because what I’ve said is already in bad taste. Yet I feel vindicated in using a little bad taste because in order for Todd to help cover up his affair with Cindy, there’s a recording of him asking an aide to plant a story about him having sex with a prostitute. But not just any prostitute. A gay prostitute.

Two men wanting to get married and actually getting married offends his sensibilities, but the idea of planting a story about one of us hooking up with him doesn’t? That’s acceptable? We’re not good enough to have the same rights as Todd and Cindy, but we’re good enough to be scapegoats? That’s offensive. And in bad taste.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the likelihood of a gay man with all or most of his faculties hooking up with an anti-gay acting Republican Tea Party member who introduced bills to give marriage equality the middle finger is about as likely as Ann Coulter hooking up with Sarah Palin and becoming a Democrat.

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.