Ever Wonder What’s Up With Male Celebrities and Boobage?

Posted on May 17, 2012

Stop me if you’ve had this happen to you before. You’re somewhere with other people and you’re being absolutely delightfully social. Your friends are overjoyed that you’re not acting like your typical prickish self, you haven’t pissed anybody off, people are laughing and not at your expense and the hours are passing phenomenally. Naturally, that’s when it happens. A male celebrity walks in, usually one you’re not interested in accompanying back to his room…because you know that would happen if you winked…and the folks around you take notice. You remember you have something important you wanted to discuss with him regardless of whether or not you’ve met him before, and since security isn’t around, you wait for the opportunity to present itself. It does. You walk up. You open your mouth. You speak. It’s brilliant. And he responds with, “Wow! Those are huge!”

No, he’s not referring to your balls. He’s referring to the hooters on the girl closest to you.

I’m betting that’s happened to all of you a couple of times, right? <staring> Right? Well, that’s okay. You don’t have to admit it. This isn’t about you anyway. It’s just that one of my best friends is heading over this weekend with his absolutely charming girlfriend and we’re heading to the MotorCity Comicon in Novi. Once there, we’ll allow the little people to mingle with us whilst we shop, look for cool little things to put on our shelves, check out the latest rare posters from our childhood and, of course, mingle with a few celebrities. Yes, I’ve met my fair share of them over the years and the overwhelming majority of them are honestly quite sweet…when they’re looking at you. At least when the men are looking at you.

I remember meeting Richard Hatch. No, not that Richard Hatch. He wouldn’t be looking at boobage. I mean the Richard Hatch from the original (and latest) Battlestar Galactica. I met him in Novi and noticed the line leading up to him tended to move in spurts. Male fans? The line moved quickly. Female fans? Bottleneck! What could it be? Were his female fans simply inundating him with far more intelligent questions that those of us mere male fanboys? I decided to get closer and listen in.

“Why, yes, they are nice, aren’t they?”

They could have been talking about the display of photos he was signing, but I wasn’t convinced. It became imperative that I test my theory…once I had one. Well, as it turned out–and this is just between you and me–I ran into him at DragonCon after he showed the preview for Battlestar Galactica: The Second Coming. Richard had brought along a couple of galleys of his latest novel and mentioned he’d sell them if folks were interested. They were and so was I, so the other nameless faceless people in the fan world don’t count. It’s about me. Me…me…me. It was also the perfect opportunity to test my theory!

I approached him, politely of course, and expressed interest in acquiring one of the signed galleys.

“What?” He turned back to me.
“I’d like to buy one of the galleys,” I repeated.
“What?” He turned back to me.
“I’d like to buy one of the galleys,” I repeated what I’d already repeated.
“What?” He turned back to me.

What the f**k was he looking at when he wasn’t turning and looking at me??? I turned and found my chief of security, Miss Jenn-Jenn, and her friend, Ra-Ra, standing patiently off to the side. They were waiting for me, but in their tight Stargate uniforms they’d worn that day for the convention, they were giving Richard two sets of boobage to look at.

“I said I’d like to buy a galley!” Hello? Annoyed, table for one.
“Hello, ladies,” Richard smiled and walked over to them.
“Are you f***ing kidding me?”

And so it went with Richard and every time I’ve seen him since. Oh, I did get my galley. The problem is I just never read it. The thought of picking up a manuscript written by a man who enjoys drowning in an expansive sea of tits just puts me off, damn it. They’re there. So what?

The funny thing is that there’s a WWF wrestler, Virgil, who attends the MotorCity Comicon and DragonCon and he’s ALWAYS looking at Miss Jenn-Jenn’s ample cleavage. We thought it was just a fluke the first time, but then he kept doing it, even after we ran into him at DragonCon. He can’t help himself! I even suggested to Jenn-Jenn today that she ought to charge him $20 for a signed picture. She likes the idea! She could potentially make more money doing that than I do in book royalties. Queue the wtf look.

These two aren’t the only ones who demonstrate this kind of behavior either. If you ever go to one of these conventions, watch the male celebrities. Watch them around bodacious ta-tas. Their eyes are transfixed. They become mesmerized. They want to see them. It’s alllll about the boobage.

Makes me glad I’m gay.

________________________
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

12 Responses to “Ever Wonder What’s Up With Male Celebrities and Boobage?”

Jean says:
May 17, 2012 at 6:25 am
What’s funny is that this is your first time discovering straight men are fascinated with breasts. They stare at them all the time, like they hadn’t ever seen a pair before. All women know this. It’s one of our not-so-secret weapons in the battle of the sexes. upon meeting you, men evaluate your breasts before anything else. Not all men, but most. And getting older doesn’t stop it. I catch my older men friends in Central Park taking a peek, too.

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Kris says:
May 18, 2012 at 6:45 am
It may not just be found in men, either. I’ve seen animals passing by who looked at my friend’s cleavage, too. Am betting they were male animals.

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Vastine Bondurant says:
May 17, 2012 at 7:06 am
And it’s only male celebrities who look at boobage? Not just males, but male celebrities specifically. Learn something new every day! LOL…

Well, darling, I forgive gay men who don’t pay attention when I’m talking because they’re stopping and staring at male asses passing by…so please be forgiving of male celebrities who look at boobs. LOL…

BUT….no matter WHAT he’s looking at, that was rude of Mr. Hatch to let his distraction interfere with his treatment of a customer/fan. It really was.

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Gabi says:
May 17, 2012 at 9:32 am
A**age (?) and/or package, for sure, but I wonder if male chests can distract some gays as much as boobs distract straight guys? No secret the male species is hard-wired for action 24/7..lol Enjoyed the article 🙂

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Kris says:
May 18, 2012 at 6:46 am
Hmm. Are you admitting to being hard-wired for action there, Gabi? 😛

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Kris says:
May 18, 2012 at 6:46 am
I’ve seen Richard a few times since then. His attention span isn’t improving. lol

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Dorien says:
May 17, 2012 at 10:50 am
Going along with the previous comment, straight men are indeed incorrigible, and that they allow themselves to be so easily distracted by thoughts of sex is downright disgusting! I, for one, never…JEEZUS! did you catch the basket on that one? He must be smuggling a loaf of French bread down there!

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Kris says:
May 18, 2012 at 6:49 am
French bread? Now I’m just hungry. Ralph’s Grandmother has this wonderful recipe she makes with French Break and a mixture of onion soup. Instead of making it soup, she turns it into something much thicker, cuts the bread, adds it inside and then cooks it for a certain amount of time.

Naturally, every time I see a package like you describe today, I shall be salivating.

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Talon says:
May 17, 2012 at 3:49 pm
ROFL!!!! *straight face* And that’s all I got to say about that………….. Okay maybe one more thing. Worked in the concert industry all my life its the same there… skirt…. boobs… skirt…. boob… I never got laid. *kicks the dirt and sunders off*

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Kris says:
May 18, 2012 at 6:49 am
Now, now. If you’d been stalked by Patti Logan back then, you’d have gotten lucky. lol

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William Prater says:
May 17, 2012 at 10:52 pm
I am so very grateful that never happened to me, because I have a very big mouth and I’m not afraid to use it. —wtprater

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Kris says:
May 18, 2012 at 6:50 am
Yes…I heard that rumor about you… 😛