Grandmother? Let Me Tell You About My Grandmother
Posted on November 4, 2016
I mentioned a while back that my grandmother (not my husband’s grandmother) went in for surgery on her shoulder three weeks ago only to have it postponed because her potassium levels had dropped dangerously low. I mention it again because the rescheduled surgery was this past Tuesday, and it went off without a hitch. She’s recovering nicely and will hopefully be discharged in a day. From there, it’s off to rehab! Would you believe some folks are confused by this?
It started with a simple conversation when I stopped by a bakery on the way to the hospital.
Clerk: Can I help you?
Clerk: Excuse me?
Moi: It’s may I help you, and pardon me.
Clerk: Oh, it’s you. I didn’t recognize you with the hat on. What do you want?
Moi: I’d like a raspberry donut and a couple of muffins for my grandmother, please.
Clerk: Ah, I haven’t seen your grandmother in a couple of weeks.
Moi: Well, she ended up in the hospital again. Fortunately, she was excited her therapist stopped by to see her last night after they made sure she was stabilized. It was nice to see her face light up, so I thought I’d bring her a couple of her favorite snacks today.
Clerk: Your grandmother has a therapist?
Moi: Her family doctor thought it would help her if she went three times a week for the last couple of months, but she still ended up in the hospital anyway.
Clerk: I never would have guessed because she always seems so nice. She must have a lot of problems.
Moi: Um…no. Just the one, actually. And they’ll be helping her more on Friday when they transfer her to rehab.
Moi: Yeah, that’s why she’s in therapy. Why do you look so surprised?
Clerk: You’re very casual about the whole thing.
Moi: Well, I’m hardly the reason she’s there.
Clerk: Yes, but how often do you hear about grandparents in therapy and going through rehab?
Moi: Have you ever actually been to a rehab facility? They’re filled with the elderly.
Clerk: You’re kidding me?
Clerk: What’s she addicted to?
Clerk: What’s she addicted to?
Moi: Well…she likes Coke.
Clerk: How can she afford that?
Moi: She buys it when she can get a deal on it. All the senior citizens flock to Meijer when word gets out.
Clerk: You can get Coke at Meijer?
Moi: You can technically get it almost anywhere.
Clerk: She seemed so normal…
So I apparently have a grandmother who can afford cocaine on sale from her dealer at Meijer, regularly abuses it, is in therapy for her habit, has been hospitalized for it twice now, and will be in rehab after she’s released from said hospital. Fortunately, should anyone ask the clerk, she’s never taken a life or driven while under the influence.
Oh, and it’s unlikely Grandma will ever be able to able to walk through the doors of that bakery again.
I was the source of the confusion, wasn’t I? It’s me.
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.