Men, Tetris and Living Life By the 4 ‘H’s

Posted on April 11, 2013

Men are pretty simple creatures, right? And yet I enjoy being one. We didn’t start out this way, though, but then puberty hit and we’ve been living our lives by the 4 ‘h’s ever since; hairy, hungry, horny, and huffy. It’s entirely possible that women are the same way. They shave their legs, I’ve seen them eat, they obviously consent to have sex with specific males to procreate, and—you gotta give me this one—have you ever met a woman who wasn’t just a tiny bit psychotic? So yeah, huffy. We live our lives in these four states, sometimes all of them occurring at the same time. I bring this up because I’ve just spent the last week and a half going back and forth from our flat to the house my husband inherited from his father. We’re trying to make a home in a place that’s already a home. And in combining two households, I’ve been experiencing all four states of being while combining the aforementioned households like a frickin’ game of Tetris.

No, seriously. It’s just like Tetris. For instance, the hubby wants his father’s bed moved downstairs into his (the hubby’s) former bedroom. He also wants the downstairs table in his bedroom to be used as the current kitchen table upstairs. The hubby is away for work at the moment. This means yours truly has to figure this out while also attempting to filter in all the other suggestions he’d like implemented during our nightly conversations. The game is now in motion. In order to get the table upstairs, I have to clear the way. This means I have to move a revolving shelving unit out into the hall (which the hubby would like done). Before I can move it, I have to clear off and move a small vanity.

The vanity is moved and I’m clear to clean out the shelving unit, move that, then restock it, which I do. However, before I can get to the table, there’s a little matter of a bed that’s separating the room. This entails removing two mattresses and taking apart the bed frame. Let’s not forget that I now get to go through and box up everything he’s stored under the bed as well as vacuum it and that area. Right, so boxes carried off into the second bedroom and the pathway is clear to get to the table. The table must not have all contents removed before it can be taken upstairs. Done. The current kitchen table upstairs must be moved to the living room. Done. The downstairs table is now carried upstairs.

Now, here’s the tricky part. In order for his father’s bed to fit in the downstairs bedroom, all the shit I cleared from the table along with a small dresser has to be moved to the other side of the room while also not covering the vent there. Done. I go back upstairs, remove the sheets, and pillows from the top mattress and attempt to remove it from the bed. I can’t. Why? Because it’s a special mattress that hardens or softens through the use tubes tied to a pump. This pump is kept underneath the bed, only the tubes don’t unfasten at the mattress or the pump. How are the tubes run from the bed to the pump? Through the headboard, which isn’t supposed to come apart after it’s been assembled. However, because some asshat assembler decided to do it that way, I now have to disassemble the headboard, untangle the tubing, and put it back together before disassembling the frame to take downstairs.

Before I can disassemble the frame, mind you, I have to remove the mattress box. Only this isn’t your standard mattress box. This is a four-piece cluster fuck from hell that actually resembles bedding from a pick-up truck. I wonder if it might actually be from a pick-up truck. It’s heavy, I can’t figure out how to take it apart and I’m just pissed enough at this point not to care. I haul it downstairs and heave it onto the bed frame, then bring the top mattress down only to figure out I have to take the bed frame apart at one end again to run the tubes through it. Mind you, I’ll be taking some pain medication tonight since I doubt I’ll be walking properly tomorrow.

And it’s official. I haven’t shaved in three days, I’m huffy, I haven’t eaten and I haven’t seen my husband in a week and a half.

See? It’s the 4 ‘h’s.

And this is just the beginning.

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

3 Responses to “Men, Tetris and Living Life By the 4 ‘H’s”

Dorien says:
April 11, 2013 at 9:01 am
Sorry, but I’m going back to bed. Just READING this litany of “Lift that barge; tote that bale!” has exhausted me.

Have you asked anyone for help?

Good luck!

D

Reply
Kris says:
April 11, 2013 at 9:12 am
Ask for help? You’re far too logical. It would take so long to explain what has to be moved, where it needs to be moved and why it’s got to be moved there in order to get to the next piece that it’s simply been easier to do it myself. That and I don’t honestly know who I could ask who’d actually assist. People hear about moving things like this and run for the four corners of the earth.

Reply
Katy Trick says:
April 11, 2013 at 9:50 am
Holy crap, Batman! You need a team of burly moving men for that. Don’t you have any on staff? LOL!
Plus, it sounds like there is a lot of “crap” that should just get chucked instead of moved from one place to another. I’m getting a dumpster, myself, for all my crap to get chucked into now that Spring is here.
4 H’s? After all that, I’d have a 5th —– herniated. 😉
Good luck!