NEVER Come Between Your Asian And Shopping

Posted on March 28, 2016

There are two things I shudder at the thought of when my husband flies in for a weekend; first and foremost, the mess he makes. This is a man who can turn order into chaos is less than 30 seconds. Second, the shopping…if there is any. Cleaning for me tends to take a while after he visits, and when I take a break and let the upkeep slip for a couple of days is usually when he announces a surprise inspection, then flies in long enough to tell me everything I missed since he left. Oh, yes. It happens, though he claims there’s another side to the story. Trust me. There isn’t. Now, the shopping?

If you happen to be lucky enough to be dating an Asian, or the universe has smiled upon you long enough to allow you to seduce and marry one through the promise of serving their wants and needs for eternity—which I found out they take seriously and hold you to, by the way—then you already know your man is going to be one of the snappiest dressed in the neighborhood. And no, I’m not stereotyping. It’s not a stereotype if it’s true. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Also, believe it or not, the subject for today’s post was his idea. Go figure.

So, Ralph flew in last Wednesday evening and, after we canceled our trip to Toronto due to bad weather, we made alternate plans to head out on Saturday for a bit. We had lunch with my brother-in-law and his fiancé. It was after the meal, which, incidentally, was quite fun, my husband casually announced he wanted to stop by the mall a mile down the road before we went home.

“Why?” I ask. The loose translation for when I ask “why?” is simply “why?” And it’s because it needs to be asked.

“I thought we’d walk around.” The translation for this is much different. What he’s really saying is “I wouldn’t have to answer this question if I was alone and shopping by myself, which I’d prefer, but it would have been rude to have left you at home. So, since you’re with me and I want to shop at Macy’s for anything on sale or on clearance, I’m simply going to tell you we’re going to walk around. But honestly? We’re only going to be walking around the racks in that store and maybe Banana Republic.”

Do you see the difference?

Ralph spent an hour and a half scouring each and every rack in Macy’s clearance area. And I mean every rack. He could direct other customers to a specific rack if they were looking for a specific size, color, and label. He’s that good and that thorough. My eyes started to glaze over after about fifteen minutes of this, which is when he suggested I look for something for myself. Sure. Why not?

I find six shirts that are quite nice and very label-whorish. He finds an equal amount of clothing to try on, so we head over to the fitting rooms to check out our potential bounty. Allow me to say it’s one thing to look in a mirror at home and another in a store. First, there’s only one mirror at a time we see in our home, and it’s one I stare directly at. I may not make the same “ooh” and “aah” sounds my husband does when he looks in the mirror, but at least I don’t vomit. Macy’s outfits each dressing room with four mirrors so you can look at yourself from every conceivable fucked up angle. And I think there’s a vomit bucket next to the mirrors too.

Think a shirt looks great on the rack? It won’t on yours! Think those horizontal stripes won’t make you look like a pregnant whale? Guess again!

Meanwhile, I can hear the “oohs” and “aahs” coming from Ralph’s dressing room next to me. And I quietly dislike him for it. Oh, yes. I’ll own it. That skinny bitch is going to get his one day, even if I have to feed him while he sleeps. But I get my revenge. We regroup outside the fitting rooms and I look him straight in the eye.

“Are you going to buy them?” I ask.
“Yes,” he replies, happily.
“Do you need them?” I close in for the kill.
“Well…”
“How many cardigans do you already own?”
“Too many,” he admits.
“So then do you need another? Will you wear it? Or will you simply put it in your closet with the rest of the cardigans you own and never wear?”

He realizes at this point what I’m doing and he’s pissed…mostly because he knows I’m right. Sadly, he puts the garments back on the rack and an hour and a half after we started this ridiculous adventure, we set off for Banana Republic where skinny bitches not only shop, but work too. The store needs to change their name. I have a suggestion for it.

Fortunately, all is well in the universe and he finds a designer jacket on clearance and in two sizes so he can wear it in two seasons. He can’t make up his mind if he should get both or one, so after twenty minutes, I convince him to get both. This pleases him.

Then, as we walk out to our vehicle, he reaches up, massages my back with his hand, and tells me what a good husband I am. This is when I step into a pothole and stagger forward several feet before using the mirror on our vehicle to steady myself. My arms suffered the only damage.

The universe has heard my bitchy complaints and has answered back; don’t f*** with an Asian’s shopping trip!

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

7 Responses to “NEVER Come Between Your Asian And Shopping”

Eddie Lam says:
March 28, 2016 at 7:00 am
When you are talking about shopping with Asians, do not even mess with us. We know how to shop. Yes, indeed, we only shop at discount selection 🙂 And we don’t care if we need it or not. It’s cheap. Feel like winning a price. We are proud to discuss with friends/relative how to get the brand clothes at discount rate. This is how we share our moment and conversation =) lol.

Now, let me give you a tips when you go shopping. Look for Asians!!! And run as quick as you can =)

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Kris says:
March 28, 2016 at 12:53 pm
Your husband learned that lesson. When he messes with your shopping, he doesn’t go no trips. lol

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LuvWarrior says:
March 28, 2016 at 10:11 am
Take HM to Great Lakes Crossing. Lots of discount stores. One that I loved was Nieman Marcus Last Call. A ton of designer clothing at a fraction of their normal price.

Sorry to hear you hurt your arm. Hope it heals quickly.

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Kris says:
March 28, 2016 at 12:54 pm
He’s not all that excited about GLC. He’s been there before, but it’s not a place he enjoys or even asks to go to. Not sure why.

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Raymond says:
March 28, 2016 at 10:38 am
I am Asian and I am skinny but I am not one that will buy stuffs which I do not need even when they are on discount or on sales. Even for stuff that I want, I will think real hard before committing myself to it. But one thing is that I do like shopping… shopping for friends and family. I guess your husband is young unlike me that is old :p It is my personal observation that the younger generation tends to be like your Ralph 🙂

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Kris says:
March 28, 2016 at 12:56 pm
lol I tease him about being thin because he teases me that I’m not. And I’m not sure how old you are, Raymond, but the hubs is 41. I think he learned to love shopping from his grandmother in Hong Kong. And maybe his mother. They could shop all day.

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Vincent Ravencroft says:
April 6, 2016 at 8:44 pm
I must have been Asian in a past life (or maybe have some Asian in me, somewhere down the line), because I love to go shopping too, at least when I have the money to!