Not Being Able To Pick Your Family Is Such A Crock Of Bullsushi!

Posted on February 11, 2013

You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family. What kind of bullsushi is that? Can you imagine if we could actually choose each one of our family members before finding our way into the womb? Put all the crazy people with each other, the arrogant ones together (so they can drive each other crazy) and leave the rest of us alone in peace. And I don’t understand siblings. Have some of you nothing better to do in life than create drama for the rest of the family? Oh, dear He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Blu-Ray-Racks… What kind of thinking went into shaping this world? Seriously, the half of my family I’ve accused of acting like white trash just went and proved it all over again yesterday. Makes me darn happy to be an only child! Still, get a load of this…

I had a conversation with my mother a couple of weeks ago and she said the reason she doesn’t keep a journal or start a blog is because she knows I have one. That doesn’t mean I want her reading it and she knows that. She’s pretty good about it so far because I’m fairly confident she hasn’t read them because if she did, especially about the family, she’d be a little too “You shouldn’t be saying that!” about it all. Nope. I prefer to let it all hang out. In private. With a select audience. And I also like talking about just how nuts my family is.

So, Mom is the oldest of four, so I think of her as #1 sister for purposes of this post. I can’t remember if her only brother or #2 sister came next and that’s okay. Her brother lives out of state and that’s fine by pretty much everyone in the family. One would think that would serve as Hint #1 about how we all feel about him. It doesn’t. Personally, I never had a close bond with the alcoholic former drug user who moves around from job to job while he thinks he’s ‘all that.’ I’m just sayin’. So then there’s #2 sister, who actually has some very human moments.

Which brings us to #3 sister. My earliest memory of #3 sister is when she and her soon-to-be felon husband lived in my parents’ basement for a while, she got mad at my mother, stormed out the back door, stormed past me and informed me “Your mother’s a bitch!” I was 6 years old. This is a woman who is emotionally unstable, highly erratic and goes off her damn rocker without the slightest provocation. Mmmm! That’s just someone you want around at EVERY holiday gathering.

All caught up? Good. Which brings us to last Saturday. One of mom’s hobbies is genealogy. Not content to know we have nutcases in our current ensemble, mom likes to find out about former nutcases in our lineage. This is why I collect Blu-Rays, people! I don’t want to know how psychotic previous family members have turned out. Anyway, she did a little digging on #3 sister’s husband’s family (with #3 sister’s blessing) and was sharing with him what she found while at my grandmother’s flat with #2 sister in attendance. #3 sister HATES her husband’s family and suddenly went ballistic shouting “You’re upsetting him!” If her husband was upset, then he was medicated because it never showed. She was the one upset.

What followed is #3 sister throwing her things out into the hallways, shouting “F&$% you!” at my mother and pretty much everybody else while they sat there wondering what was going on and what prompted the event. Now, amidst all the throwing and screaming, #2 sister decides to go out into the hall and calm #3 sister down. Bad idea. How do I know this? Because #3 sister hates #2 sister and has hated the beyotch most of her life. So beyotch #2 sister steps out into the hall and psychotic #3 sister raises a pair of scissors to strike #2 sister, thereby giving #2 sister a subtle hint at just what #3 sister’s feelings for her might be after all these years of having her head stuck up her ass about how ANY of us feel about her.

They quarrel and Grandma, poor woman responsible for bringing these nut jobs into the world, steps out and gets in between them. Nobody is quite sure how, but she wound up with a nasty gash on her arm for her trouble. #3 sister stormed out, husband in tow, #2 sister tried to blame mum for the incident—which is typical because that’s what she does—and they tend to grandma’s arm. Calling Dr. Phil! We have some dysfunction over here in little ol’ Michigan.

It’s still too early to talk about fallout or what’ll happen next. The chances of #3 sister calling anybody in the family anytime soon is pretty slim and that’s just peachy with yours truly. That and she doesn’t have my phone number anyway. #2 sister doesn’t have my number either. Smart, yes? And none of them of them have my address. I’m a planner. They’re frickin’ nuts.

I’m somewhat fortunate to only have to deal with half of the family at large since my father’s side represents the arrogant ones. And my husband’s family? I only have to contend with my father-in-law-who-doesn’t-know-he’s-my-father-in-law and my undersexed brother-in-law…and we all know what would make him happy.

See? VERY happy that I’m an only child!

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

11 Responses to “Not Being Able To Pick Your Family Is Such A Crock Of Bullsushi!”

jane says:
February 11, 2013 at 9:24 am
and i thought my family were messed up, wow hunny.

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Kris says:
February 11, 2013 at 12:16 pm
Yeah, it’s a joy.

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Julie L Hayes says:
February 11, 2013 at 9:42 am
I believe there’s a reason for everything, Kris, even if it’s not apparent, and even if it doesn’t make sense. Your family, while different from you, contributed to who you are, and who you are brought you together to be with Ralph and makes the two of you work. So while you may realize they’re nuttier than a stack of Paydays, still, deep down, you wouldn’t want to change anything that came before. And you can do your best to stay away from anything that happens from now on out.

Besides, you’ve got your hubby. Who could ask for anything more? 🙂

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Kris says:
February 11, 2013 at 12:23 pm
Swell. Now I want a Payday. I’m definitely keeping the hubby as far away from that part of the family as I can. Nobody right now wants to speak to my aunt after this and I don’t see that changing for a while.

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Julie L Hayes says:
February 11, 2013 at 1:26 pm
Everybody has something off in their family, don’t they? I haven’t spoken to mine in about 2 1/2 years. Other than my children. They are my family, as far as I’m concerned.

Go, get a Payday! Or just a bag of salted nuts 🙂

Make your own family, fill it with people you love who love you. That’s the best kind anyway.

Alas, it seems to be too true. The best ones are either taken or gay. In your case, it’s both. 🙂

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Katherine T. says:
February 11, 2013 at 10:03 am
I would have had sisters #2 and #3 arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. A little cool off time in a cell and a felony record might make them realize their bullsh*t isn’t tolerated.
They make the Hong Kong Grandmother seem completely sane. Sheay be evil, but ahe’a not nutters.

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Kris says:
February 11, 2013 at 12:26 pm
Our thought is #3 sister has some mental issues that aren’t getting addressed. Unfortunately, having her arrested won’t address the actual problem.

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Dorien says:
February 11, 2013 at 10:14 am
I gather your mother’s maiden name was neither “Cleaver” nor “Nelson” nor “Huxtable”?

When we are born we are all given a crazy relative or two. You seem to have gotten more than your share.

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Kris says:
February 11, 2013 at 12:29 pm
I sometimes wonder if her maiden name was Leatherface.

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Patricia Logan says:
February 11, 2013 at 12:04 pm
God! You’re so me! Once in awhile I find someone who lives a parallel life with. Hell yeah, brother, embrace the crazies! I’ve got them too. We need to swap stories, but only after several alcoholic beverages. ((((hugs))))) cause, hell, you need them

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Kris says:
February 11, 2013 at 12:30 pm
We can swap stories in a couple of months, but I may just stick to sipping a single beverage. =) Don’t forget, I have to maintain a sense of humor while I’m there.