Now THAT’S Funny! Well, Kinda Sorta. Mostly.

Posted on May 23, 2011

I have a pretty good idea when I stick my foot in my mouth. The biggest subtle hint is the look on someone’s face; squishy, irritated, uglyish and typically attempting to blurt several responses all at the same time, yet usually never finding their way into intelligible words. And then sometimes there’s the less-than-subtle hints. If I’m going to be completely fair, it’s not always my fault. Some people have it coming and some people need a reminder that they may be ‘all that’ in their head, but without folks like little ol’ me, their passive aggressive behavior wouldn’t be diagnosed. Allow me to give you a few examples.

A friend of mine who will go unnamed, mostly because he reads these blog posts and would be greatly offended if he thought I was in any way making fun of him, asked a small group of us last Friday after learning of a certain wrestler’s passing away:

“Wouldn’t it be great if someone took a picture of the autographed photo of Macho Man Randy Savage on the wall and posted it on Facebook?”

“Why?” I asked.

“So we can salvage him.”

“So we can salvage him?”

“You know. We can memorate him.”

“Memorate him?”

“You know what I’m trying to f*****g say!”

Did Mr. Dictionary desert us again? Yes, I knew he meant to memorialize him, but it was f*****g funny the way he said it and it made my Friday! And, no, that’s not making fun of him. He’s proven me an idiot a number of times based on his knowledge. This just happens to be my area of expertise.

Moving on, I took my father to the Somerset Collection Saturday afternoon for lunch at The Capital Grille and to pick up a gift for my brother-in-law’s girlfriend. Funny thing about that. She and I are the same age and my brother-in-law is 3 or 4 years younger than my guy. heh heh heh It tickles me for some reason. So, my father and I wait in line at the concierge desk and I finally move up to buy the gift card.

We have to keep a close eye on my father because we really can’t trust what he’ll say to someone, plus he’s quick at leaning over, saying something and not remembering what it was he said. It gets convoluted. Sure enough, Dad leaned over to the other person behind the desk and told her:

“You’re going to have to keep your eyes on me!”

“Why?” She asked, slightly nervous.

“You never know what I’m going to do. I don’t even know what I’m going to do!” He laughs heartily.

Yeah, because that’s what you say to someone who’s probably been told (minus any training) to look for people of a suspicious nature. We all know anyway that the first target terrorists will go after are the shopping malls. Puhlease. It’s a good thing she doesn’t work for TSA.

“Oh, f**k me…” I stammer and they’re both now looking at me. Um, awkward. I then quietly explain to the two women that my father isn’t weird or dangerous and that I’m not suggesting coitus. They seem somewhat relieved. I’m hoping they’re more relieved about Dad than me. I’m pretty good, damn it and they should be so lucky to have a piece of alllllll this! Yeah, I’m not buying it either.

Anyway, I arrive at the birthday party and my brother-in-law introduces me to various folks before his girlfriend takes over the introductions. It’s a 40th birthday party for both her and her best friend. Unfortunately, the latest person she introduces me to is who I assume to be the other recent addition to our decade.

“So, you’ve just joined the over 40 club?” I smile.

“NO.” Her eyes are daggers. “I’m only 34.” And then she turns and leaves, indignant.

Okay, WTH? Really? It was an honest mistake and I could have recovered easily enough given the chance, but nooooooo. Someone had to storm off in a huff. It’s like that rare person who can’t pass somebody by who’s laughing without making sure they aren’t the object of the laughter.

Anyway, I learned my lesson. I didn’t take Dad out shopping today, instead made us lunch here at home, didn’t mention anybody’s age and didn’t take pictures for someone to post on Facebook. Although…I did receive a text from a fellow author friend after I picked Ralph up at the airport this evening. She texted a little while later indicating she was still waiting for a response from me.

I finally replied with: “Sorry, was having sex. You know the rule; dicks before chicks.”

She’s been a little quiet since then. Did I step in it again?

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.