OnStar and a Tale Of Busch

Posted on January 3, 2008

Has anybody heard those OnStar commercials on the radio? Kind of annoying, aren’t they? Seriously, shut up and let me listen to Sly Fox’s “Let’s Go All The Way” on DougFM. Oh, and as an aside, I woke up at 5am this morning, turned my mp3 player on and proceeded to shower to “Me So Horny”. Yeah, me not so horny at 5:05am. Me can barely open my eyes at 5:05am and the last connection I’m making in my mind is what that soap on a rope might be good for…other than as soap.

Right, OnStar. I’ve heard these friggin’ commercials so often that it actually occurred to me there’s an unusual connection between them; all these people who have problems are from the Southern states. Have you ever noticed that? Seriously. Let me paraphrase one I heard yesterday:

OnStar: This is OnStar. How may I be of assistance?
Customer: Oh, am I glad ya’ll are there. I am having the worst day of my life! My daughter, Bobby-Joe, locked the keys in the car. I got my picnic basket in there and my fried chicken, grits, peach upside down cake…which is now right side up cuz the bitch can’t drive…and my black-eyed pea soup. Can you believe she had the nerve to blame me and then go off on her sisters Billy-Jean, Lonney-Sue, Mary-Lou, Lynn-Ray and John Lloyd?
OnStar: John Lloyd?
Customer: Yeah, we got a strange one in the family. I keep tellin’ her that none of the boys who drive tractors up and down the road are gonna look at her. Girl is so unfriendly to em’ that we got a couple of em’ lookin’ at my only teenage son and I keep tellin’ him I’m gonna throw that movie of his, “Bareback Mountain”, away if I find it layin’ around one more time.
OnStar: (pause) So you’d like me to remotely unlock the door for you?
Customer: Do ya’ll think you could help me out?
OnStar: Check the door now.
Customer: Oh, thank ye! Our picnic is saved! Come on girls, grab a handful and let’s get down to the swamp before the alligators get any ideas. John Lloyd, take that boy’s swimsuit off and put yer skirt back on. Goddamn, girl!
OnStar: Glad I could help. Thank you for calling OnStar.

Again, I’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea. Why couldn’t they just be more like those of us from the North? If you lock your keys in the car, you use a coat hanger, break the window with your concealed firearm or ask a teenager wearing his pants down to the bottom of his ass to jimmy it for you. Trust me, they may not know how to wear their pants above the crack of their ass, but they can break into a car in under 30 seconds!

And speaking of people and knowledge, my partner and I have been discussing acting a little more like a couple in front of his father, who knows, incidentally. We were at dinner over the recent holiday and I mentioned in passing conversation that Ralph had poked me in the eye the previous night while he was asleep. I thought it was a subtle way of bringing up the topic. Ralph disagreed and father-in-law looked off into the distance and visited his happy place. I’d swear I even heard him chanting “la la la la la la la”. Did I get a “Thank you”? Did I get a “Hey, job well done”? No. I end up getting a lecture when we return home! Yeah, it’s okay if his brother is shacked up with some ornery married woman who drinks and smokes too much and throws his ever-widening ass out at 2am, but I get shit for hinting we share the same bed? Gurl, please.

So, we were over his father’s house again the next night and I was bound and determined not to cause any discomfort. Honestly, all I did was ask for something to drink; a Pepsi. Ralph looked in the fridge and found his brother’s stash of Busch Beer, but no Pepsi. He was moving the cans around to look behind them and muttering “Busch Beer…Busch Beer…Busch Beer…” It was at this point that I stated rather emphatically “Nooooooooooo Busch!” This was also the point when his father passed behind me and heard what I said. Again came the “la la la la la la la”. Yes, Ralph looked up at me and mouthed the words “You can’t help yourself, can you???”

I guess I can’t. I’m guilty for being horny, just not at 5:00am.

________________________
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.