Some Boyfriend Rules: Debunked The Asian Way

Posted on December 16, 2013

Someone recently posted a link to a cute little article/entry on The Bluepers Diary by smurphny titled 12 Boyfriend Rules. Now, I’m always on the lookout for tips and ideas of how I can alter my behavior to make Ralph happier, only within certain boundaries. I don’t want him getting the idea I’ve suddenly caved to his way of living. One of the reasons I think he hasn’t replaced me yet is because he can’t quite figure out how to destroy my perception of reality and replace it with his own. I confound him, therefore he’s not bored. But these rules smuprhny lists? Some of them are just completely wrong! They may work on white people, but Asians? Girl, please!

The very first rule is one that I would love to embrace and have tried to in the past and it has to do with picking him up at the airport. I used to make the effort to get there early, park and then wait for him so that he had a smiling face waiting for him the moment he got off the plane or, later, out of the security checkpoint. WRONG! It’s what I wanted and never got. What he gave me instead was a lecture on spending money to park when I could just drive up and greet him with a warm vehicle (if it was winter like it is now). He wanted door to door service, not to walk further than he had to because that’s just unnecessary physical exertion.

This rule had me cracking up; give him flowers even if he says he doesn’t like them. WRONG! That’s another thing I like and he hates. Flowers die and therefore become a waste of money. Ralph comes by this viewpoint honestly, though, because his mother is the same exact way. Flowers die. Buy her an international phone calling card instead. And getting my husband to buy me flowers? He’ll do it once a decade and only when he’s not home to stand there and stew every time he sees them because he swears he can see them dying.

Another rule that goes hand in hand with the flowers thing is always, no matter what he says, celebrate his birthday. WRONG! My idea of celebrating a birthday is to make sure there is a small cake, a card and some small little adorable gift of affection. My idea would be wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. Those all cost money and could be put towards another laptop, notebook, Galaxy phone or some other piece of tech. However, if somebody else wants to buy those things for him, that’s okay. And if you buy Ralph a gift of clothing, then you’d better hand over the gift receipt so he’ll have an easier time returning it and getting what he likes. Asians are very, very specific about what they’ll have on their body.

What else? Oh, this one was a gem. Leave him alone if he doesn’t want help. WRONG! It’s a test. It’s a test of the Asian Emergency Broadcast System. He’s looking to see just how devoted you really are. And it’s not enough to assist him in the task. You must assist him the task and do it the way he wants it done because only the Chinese intellect is capable of understanding the complexities of organization. And for the record, if I don’t want help and Ralph offers, he’s doing so because he doesn’t like the way I’m doing it and it’s irking him having to watch me do it the way he wouldn’t. It’s either best to do it his way or wait for him to fly out the following day and do it your way once he’s gone. It works and he’ll come back home and take credit for it either way.

Finally, smuprhny suggests that leaving your boyfriend alone is sometimes the greatest gift of love you can give. WRONG! No…no…no…no…no…and no. Making him ‘think’ he’s alone is a good gift. Actually leaving him alone while the two of you are in the house together? Not a smart move. No. I’ve tried it, then I realize I’m hearing drawers opening and closing with an incredible amount of shuffling of things around. This is not a good combination of noises. Ralph sometimes decides that a closed drawer must be concealing something, something he may have forgotten about, so he must look through them all to see what’s there. In doing so, he creates what we call ‘a mess.’ And it’s a ‘mess’ that I am forced to clean when he flies out the following day. Make him think he’s alone right up until he’s either too quiet or starts making noise, then cut that shit off as quickly as humanly possible!

I applaud smuprhny on his attempt to develop a list of boyfriend rules, but it’s obvious he either just came out yesterday or has never yet dated someone of Asian ethnicity. If he had and they’d perused his post after it went live—since they’d never have allowed him to post something so, in their opinion, absurd—it’s unlikely we’d be hearing from him for a couple of weeks while he underwent reconditioning.

But that’s a topic for an entirely different post one day.

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

11 Responses to “Some Boyfriend Rules: Debunked The Asian Way”

Monique says:
December 16, 2013 at 9:59 am
This is why I won’t marry the Asian I know….SMH …..poor Ralph I feel his pain….

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Kris says:
December 16, 2013 at 10:53 am
Hey, I keep things interesting for him. Besides, who else is going to make his tea and pick up after him?

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Dorien says:
December 16, 2013 at 10:53 am
Excellent points, as always. Now, if I only had a boyfriend….

Dorien

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Kris says:
December 16, 2013 at 11:33 am
I have a friend who knows people. We can hire you one.

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Joelle Casteel says:
December 16, 2013 at 11:21 am
lol dating rules never work all the time 😀 I must admit- I agree on the flowers- my Master jokes that I’d probably look at Him like He’s mentally deficient if He brought me flowers

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Kris says:
December 16, 2013 at 11:34 am
Do you have a weakness for chocolate?

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Patricia Logan says:
December 16, 2013 at 1:44 pm
You know, I love a good romantic as much as the next guy and I have bitched in the past when Ali overlooked my Valentine’s Day flowers, though I also hate to see them die. But, once when we were flush with money and he sent me a really cool carved wooden box filled with roses that I know cost him a mint, everyone in the office oooh’ed and aaah’ed and I wanted to smack him for spending so much. The only thing I could think was how many groceries that money would buy and how much fun I’d have at Costco with it. Ah, well, maybe there’s a hidden slice of Asian in me

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Kris says:
December 16, 2013 at 2:04 pm
I usually tell the hubby when I do something romantic that I’m expressing myself. He typically responds with “Then do it quietly and without spending money.” Grrr…

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Kiernan Kelly says:
December 16, 2013 at 2:05 pm
Evidently, your debunked rules also apply to middle-aged Guidos from Jersey, because they definitely describe the hubs as well.

Does your Ralph hover? Mine does. Try to fix something on my own and he’s there like the freaking Flying Nun, hovering over my shoulder, pointing out how much easier it would be to do it his way, and how my way might result in multiple system failures, and the end of life on the planet as we know it.

Of course, should my way work, he immediately disavows any knowledge of saying anything of the sort.

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PromoHomo says:
December 16, 2013 at 3:41 pm
Ralph has gotten you trained well. May things always be in your favor!

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Nick Thiwerspoon says:
December 16, 2013 at 3:58 pm
Funny!