The Enormity of a Lack of Security

Posted on September 15, 2011

My boss and his wife just welcomed their second child (and first son) into the world yesterday. I’ll tell you what, that kid has been born into a world that already has Blu-Ray. How exciting is that? He totally saved time bypassing Beta, VHS and DVD!!!! So, you know, aside from that, I’m a little weirded out that Ralph is overseas for a couple of days. That always makes me feel uneasy. And, honestly, it’s not because he’s been there less than 24 hours and already been shopping at Marks & Spencer. I’m not envious. Annoyed, maybe, but not envious. It may have even made me consider sitting in a cold draft until my ebbing flu turned into something worse that hung around until I could breathe on him and infect him for it.

This has to do with a much bigger picture; security. I remember wanting and waiting for nothing more than to graduate from high school. Why? The perception of freedom. The day came and went and I remember sitting there thinking “Oh, shit! Now what?” Those years may not have been the best for me, but they offered a routine. They offered safety in that routine and, therefore, security. It was the enormity of what lay in front of me that scared me. All that time in front of me and no routine… That’s scary as hell. But, there was college, wasn’t there?

Before Grand Valley, though, I spent 6 weeks in Germany, Switzerland and Austria. No panic, but definitely a little culture shock. And then I attended GVSU for 5 years and allowed myself to sink very comfortably into the safety and security of that routine. The unimaginable…no, inevitable happened and I graduated and that’s when I was faced with the enormity of life yet again. I did the only thing I could do; I panicked.

I also went out, got a job and got myself into the first routine I could. It sucked, but it was security and I stopped looking at the decades ahead of me because I was too busy looking at what was right in front of me. Naturally, that only lasted until my first layoff happened and the multitude of layoffs after that. It’s when you start looking at the expanse between you and security again and it’s a very ugly sight.

Even now, I nest. I like to get very comfortable in a place and only then will I start peeking around, find some familiar areas and branch out a little at a time after that. Ralph and I were only together a few months before he left for Hong Kong for several months. I hated that. We couldn’t call, couldn’t e-mail and my security was removed. Not a good feeling.

Oddly, when I go overseas to Hong Kong and I’m in the lair of his Grandmother, I still nest, ignore the dried blood on the wall and not give a second thought to the enormity of where I live versus where I’m currently staying. It helps that I know my way around a few places and I admit that I get a bit panicked when I don’t, but it’s all good.

I thought it would be pretty awful when my guy started moving around for his jobs, especially considering where he’s at now, only it’s been bearable. We have cell phones, we have Skype, Google Chat and enough funds for the occasional trip. It’s just when he goes overseas on business trips when we don’t have the technology to make us seem a little bit closer that I get jittery again.

The enormity of the future and its uncertainty sometimes gets the better of me and I’m not convinced it’s a bad thing. Too many people never look past their front porch at what lies beyond. Sometimes I like to know that there’s something still out there, some unidentifiable thing staring me in the face, daring me to mentally grasp it. Because in the end, I’ll have completed the journey and looking back is always easier than looking forward. You can look back and see the picture, but what will you do to paint the canvas between now and then?

So…uh…anybody else buying the Star Wars Blu-Rays that come out tomorrow?

________________________
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.