The Fine Art of Finding $hit You Don’t Remember Owning
Posted on August 8, 2013
I have a few secret places where I live. I know because I found or created them. They exist because I sometimes need to put hot, freshly purchased Blu-Rays in a place that allows them to cool down when honorable husband is home and eventually blend in with the rest of our collection. And I call it ‘our’ collection because it makes it sound like he had and still has lots of input in what gets added to it. See? It also makes me sound like a nicer person. So while packing things this past week, I’ve been forced to go where no white boy with an Asian husband should be allowed to go; his domain. I’ve also been going through my domain. And our shared domain. I swear, the crap I’m finding are things that just haven’t been seen since we first bought them.
My husband and I tend to buy different things. He handles all the hardware and electronics and I handle all forms of entertainment. He also handles looking for and buying really, really interesting glasses. Drinking glasses. The kinds of glasses that are designed to have a layer of glass inside that doesn’t touch the glass on the outside (except for the top edge). Why? Because the glasses don’t perspire. The problem is that they can break if you pop an ice cube in them with any amount of force. I haven’t broken any yet. I’ll also have some practice because I found two more boxes of two.
I made the mistake of cleaning out the rather large under-the-sink area in the bathroom and finding tons of stuff I didn’t realize we had. My favorite shampoo? Found an unopened one. I’d gotten into the habit of picking up those toilet tank cleaners that turn the water blue. I liked them because I always knew when they were running out. The problem is that the damn things smell…horribly! And if I left for a weekend or for a convention? The smell when I came back was absolutely gross. So I started buying the white bleach ones. And what did I find all the way back of the sink cabinet? White bleach tabs.
Ralph just looooooooves to buy lots of little knickknacks from overseas. If it’s Japanese, cute and something we could use in the bathroom, he’ll buy it. And if it’s Chinese, cute and something we could use in the bathroom, he’ll buy that, too. He finds lots of cute things like that to buy. We’ve used about 10% of them. The other 90% were under the sink. They’re now in a box and will soon find their way over to the new house where he will be forced to go through said box and decide just how cute they really are and if we’re going to keep them. This tickles me in my special place. Well, one of my special places. I have many. They are legion.
What else? I found a duffle bag full of cards I’ve given him over the years. It took him a long time, but I finally stopped buying him cards. He’s not a fan. Yet, he saved the ones I gave him and that tells me something. It tells me he’s hoping I’ll one day get popular enough that he can sell them on Ebay or he’s a closet romantic. I prefer to think of him as a closet romantic because it gives me hope he’ll one day come out of that closet. He’ll probably be insufferable if he does, but it’ll be cute, too. My husband, the softy.
I’m a bit of a softy myself. I found a stash of ticket stubs from movies I’d gone to see as far back as 1988. One of the earliest I saw at a glance was Phantasm II, which I’d gone to see with dad. It’s definitely a fond memory since we used to enjoy seeing so many horror movies back in the day. Do I need all the ticket stubs? No, probably not, but I’m keeping them for the moment. I’ll go through them when I get into the house and decide what to do with them then.
I found some paperwork, a stash of free lube packets and condoms honorable husband got from Chicago Pride, Halsted Market Days and various other festivities he attended. I have no idea why he still had the condoms. They were never going to be used, yet they were important in his mind to keep because—are you ready for this, folks?—they were free! Okay, so maybe I do know why he still had them. No, I really don’t.
One thing is quite clear after the last couple of days; we have to stop buying so many things! Or at least we have to stop saving so many things. One or the other. Our motto for the house is ‘less is more’. It’s going to take us a while to get to that point, but I think we’ll eventually do it. After all, we need a place to sleep that doesn’t have Japanese toothbrush holders digging into our backs. Just a thought.
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.
9 Responses to “The Fine Art of Finding $hit You Don’t Remember Owning”
JP Adkins says:
August 8, 2013 at 8:50 am
May your legions be forever tickled and you boxes be light.
August 8, 2013 at 9:16 am
The boxes had better be light! Otherwise I won’t be allowed to pick them up. Very annoying and inconvenient.
Patricia Logan says:
August 8, 2013 at 8:51 am
God, I hate moving. We downsized from a 4600 sq.ft house to 1800 a year and a half ago. I have never been so sick in my life. I still can’t walk into the garage. The thing is, I was organized in my old life. I know that I am missing clothes but I am not willing to climb the mountain of boxes in the garage… again. I feel for you, babe. Oh, and why don’t you just put those condoms in one of the legion of special places 3:)
August 8, 2013 at 9:17 am
I can’t put them in my legion of special places. I can just hear the noise those things would make when I walk. And if one ever snapped, it’d be like a rubber band from hell. Somebody would sue if it hit them, too.
Katy Trick says:
August 8, 2013 at 8:57 am
The only saving grace to moving is it lets you find out how much crap you really have and gives you the impetus to not bring said crap to the new place. If I had to move , I would need a dumpster the size of my house to hold all the crap we need to get rid of.
Good luck with the packing. Have fun!
August 8, 2013 at 9:17 am
I wouldn’t let mom near any of my ‘special’ drawers. Whew!
August 8, 2013 at 9:17 am
Stop buying things? Stop saving things? Stop collecting things? Oh, you poor, deluded soul, dream on.
CR Guiliano says:
August 8, 2013 at 12:10 pm
He he he, my thoughts exactly…*blinks innocently*
August 8, 2013 at 12:23 pm
Ohhh my poor Skippy you and Ralph need S.A.= shoppers anonymous. You poor deluded thing no more Blu Rays for you.