The Sad Reality That Is My Life

Posted on August 15, 2013

I’ve only told a couple of people this, so…you know…shhh! What’s the big secret? Well, you know how I attend DragonCon in Atlanta, right? I’ve been going for about a decade now, ever since my friend Jenn suggested I give it a shot. Well, it’s getting close to that time and the e-mails from attendees have started pouring in. We’re not talking about a trickle either. When I say pouring, I mean an onslaught. That’s the problem when you consistently attend a convention like this and been introduced to many of the guests over the years; they remember you. They even look for you. It’s creepy because it’s supposed to be the other way around. Anyway, I almost got away with going under the radar…right up until George Takei bragged to William Shatner that I’d given him first dibs for afternoon tea at the Hilton. That’s when the Shat hit the fan. Literally. My life. Welcome to it.

The only thing that could make tea with George Takei and his husband more awkward than William Shatner giving us the evil eye from the next table is if Walter Koenig was sitting with us…again. Between me and you, Walter would just flip the Shat off and to make it up to him (the Shat), I’d have to buy dinner for the man two nights in a row. Not gonna happen! But the cat was now out of the bag and my schedule was then deemed up for grabs.

I’m fortunate that I did announce that I was looking forward to meeting Mitch Pileggi from The X-Files because his agent immediately forwarded a personal e-mail on to me from Mitch and we arranged dinner the night before the convention begins. Very geeked about this, especially because I have my import DVD cover of Wes Craven’s Shocker that I’d like him to sign. Edward James Olmos had his assistant call my cell phone several times trying to nap a lunch date. Seriously? His assistant? I’m sorry, but if you’re going to have your assistant call me, then get back with me when you’ve got a new series. Battlestar Galactica ended four years ago and you’re still charging too much for an autograph. And how the hell did he get my cell phone number? I’m betting it was that bitch Richard Hatch.

We’ve also had one major complication to work through that I absolutely did not appreciate. Gigi Edgley from Farscape is attending again and—let me just say that I love me some Gigi!—we always manage to get some fabulous girl/fabulous gay man time. Only Richard Dean Anderson (MacGyver and Stargate SG-1) heard about it, is single, thinks Gigi is delightfully beautiful and wants to join us in the hopes that I might hook the two of them up. This pissed off John Barrowman who thinks Richard is only doing this to make a play for my affections, which then pissed off Ed Asner who is now under the assumption I have a thing for older men and he’s been missing out. Can you see how quickly these things can spin out of control?

Terry Farrell (Star Trek: Deep Space 9 and Becker) and I are doing a late night supper. I’m really looking forward to meeting her after years of e-mailing back and forth. Who knew she was a fan of my books? I’m slightly annoyed with her at the same time because she found out where I’m staying as well as what room I’m in, then booked the room right next to me. Why would she do that? Because she knew I found out what hotel and room Steven Yeun (The Walking Dead) was staying in and booked my room next to his. I plan on keeping him company in his room two out of the five nights and she wants to listen in with her ear against the wall of my room. Voyeurs. They’re a dime a dozen.

And those are just the meals and nights. Lucy Lawless has already threatened to lift her top and flash me when she sees me the first time, even if it’s in a crowded room and if children are around. The woman knows girly parts make me squeamish. Honestly, I think she just wants to hear me yell “EW!!!!” Doug Bradley (Hellraiser) will be avoiding me because every time I see him, I point and shout “It’s the guy from Killer Tongue!” It irks him. Lee Majors and Lindsay Wagner have requested an hour of chat time around 5 p.m. Friday evening, just before they start getting ready for bed. I thought the older one got, the longer one stayed up and the earlier one got up in the morning? I guess not.

Oh, and Lou Ferrigno submitted his annual request for a picture with yours truly and to be seen in public with me for at least 15 minutes. And I sent the polite annual rejection with the standard request that he try again next year. My biggest fear is that once Lou starts talking, you can’t get him to stop and that’ll cut right into letting Steven Yeun ask if he can be on top again. Duh. Of course he can. I’ve set aside two nights just for him.

Three if he’s sufficiently naughty.

Like I said. My life. Welcome to it.

________________________
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

16 Responses to “The Sad Reality That Is My Life”

West says:
August 15, 2013 at 8:50 am
I would love to go to DragonCon. Just once. I also want to go to ComicCon San Diego, but haven’t made it to either. The worst part is that I have a free place to stay in San Diego. Oh, and I only live like 9 hours away from Atlanta. It so sucks. Sigh. All I can say is that is sounds like you are going to be busy. 🙂

Reply
Kris says:
August 15, 2013 at 9:03 am
You’d probably really enjoy DragonCon! What’s stopping you from attending? As for San Diego, I’m avoiding that one. I hear it’s a complete madhouse. Way too many people and that really sucks the fun out of it.

Reply
West says:
August 15, 2013 at 9:18 am
What’s stopping me from attending? Money and no car. I’ll get there one day.

Reply
Dorien says:
August 15, 2013 at 8:54 am
Why, upon reading this, did my mind suddenly play a mental film clip of Frank Morgan as the Wizard of Oz rising into the sky in his balloon waving to the people below and saying that he was off to hob-nob with his fellow wizards?

Ah, fame!

D

Reply
Kris says:
August 15, 2013 at 9:06 am
It’s my own fault, D. I bring my favorite funny/attitude t-shirts with me to wear on specific occasions. I find that if I can make someone laugh, they tend to remember me, which is fun.

Reply
CR Guiliano says:
August 15, 2013 at 9:18 am
I don’e even know what to say. I’m afraid us poor, lowly, non-celebrity types will just have to carry on without your esteemed, well known, and obviously filled up dance card. I will be the one blending into the wallpaper watching you shine. 🙂

Reply
Kris says:
August 15, 2013 at 9:59 am
Sarcasm, right? 😛

Reply
Moxie Anne Magnus says:
August 15, 2013 at 10:36 am
So, I was waiting for you to beg me for a lunch date, but I see you’ve been busy. *humpf*

Reply
Kris says:
August 15, 2013 at 10:45 am
I have to beg? Moi? I thought it was a given! When did I fall so low in your gorgeous blue eyes? (sigh)

Reply
Shae Connor says:
August 15, 2013 at 1:29 pm
Screw them all. You are MINE, ALL MINE.

Reply
Kris says:
August 15, 2013 at 9:35 pm
Ah, but can you afford me?

Reply
LuvWarrior says:
August 15, 2013 at 3:33 pm
Bitch! I knew you were holding out on me! All I wanted was a shirtless pic of Tahmoh Penikett or John Barrowman (even better if they were arm-in-arm). You better snap an ass pic of Steven or I might just return your Christmas present!

Reply
Kris says:
August 15, 2013 at 9:37 pm
I’ll see what I can do. No promises. =)

Reply
Katy Trick says:
August 15, 2013 at 9:43 pm
It wouldn’t be DragonCon if you didn’t piss off the Shat at least once. Sounds like you have that sufficiently covered (and in grand style, too). Do you have any sleep time scheduled in there or do you just do that when the Con is over? However it plays out, I hope it is memorable and full of fun.

Reply
Kris says:
August 15, 2013 at 10:06 pm
I actually don’t do much of the late night activities because I know I’ll be up early in the mornings. There’s an effort made to get enough sleep so as not to come down sick. I also fly in a day early and stay a day later just so I’m not rushing around.

Am really looking forward to it this year more because of several friends who will be attending. After the last month, I feel like I need to be around them. =) It helps with the healing.

Reply
Jenn-Jenn says:
August 16, 2013 at 11:59 am
Seriously? Your name dropping already? Sure talk about meals with the well known people, but leave out Jose Quervos and breakfast with me. (Very sad)