A Civil Infraction and My First Would-Be International Stalker
Posted on March 25, 2008
You’ve had a day where you’ve come to realize you’d have been better off staying in bed, right? We’ve all had them…unless you’re Paula Abdul because, well, she’s a gift to us all. I’m not. And, incidentally, today was my day to realize I should have just stayed in bed. Except I really had to pee when the alarm went off. Before, actually. However, the trip to bathroom and back would have been far quicker than going through what I eventually did.
So, I take my shower, make a cup of tea and sit down to check e-mail before leaving for the daily grind. No sooner am I reading about all the slightly marked down DVD prices supposedly on sale at F.Y.E., yet much cheaper at Best Buy, when I receive an IM. Now, I don’t recognize the name at all, so I wait 12 seconds before opening it as opposed to the standard 2. It’s early, I’m tired and I’m not in the mood to be pranked by Madonna again.
Their Message: What’s up?
My Message: Me, barely.
Their Message: lol So, do you know who this is?
And thus begins a conversation I figure a smartass friend of mine is having just to trip me up since my brain isn’t quite functioning. Now, there are rare occasions when someone who has read one of my books will IM or e-mail me and that’s always fun. Then there are other rare occasions when somebody thinks they’re IMing someone else, has me convinced they know me, both of us get confused and some poorly misspelled insults are traded due to this misunderstanding until it’s at long last cleared up. This nutcase thought I was bi, interested in one of her girlfriends and currently resided in the UK. I said it once before in front of my partner’s father during Christmas and I’ll say it again, “Noooooo Bushhhhhh!” And here I thought for a moment that I had my first international stalker… What a letdown.
So I go to work.
Work sends me to a Chrysler facility for no particularly good reason. I leave to come back for no particularly good reason and wind up ever so slightly rerouted. In order to… Oh, let me spare you the directions. Did any of you, especially those of you out of state, know that the city put up a NO LEFT TURN sign across the street from the Circuit City exit on 13 Mile? No? Thank you. Neither did I! I found out when I turned onto the street and caught the glimpse of blue flashing lights behind me.
Mind you, my father is a retired Police Director, so I grew up respecting the law and understanding that I don’t break it. Allow me to say that the officer was very polite and actually did me a favor by not giving me a ticket for an illegal left turn (which would have entailed 2 points on my until now spotless record). Instead, I was given another civil infraction and had only to pay the fee of $135. Embarrassing? You bet. I don’t do stupid things like that. My partner does. He speeds, too! He also ignores signs that say “NO TURN ON RED”. I’m not even sure red lights register with him sometimes. But I get nailed for a sign nobody is quite sure when it popped up.
I didn’t even get to enjoy my civil infraction whilst I was breaking it! Getting a ticket for something you didn’t get a chance to enjoy is like cheating on your boyfriend with someone who suffers from premature ejaculation; what’s the point? (Yes, Jose…that’s an original quote!!!)
Anybody else out there have any embarrassing moments they’d like to share? My life seems to be an open book, so please, help me feel a little better, will ya?
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.
4 Responses to “A Civil Infraction and My First Would-Be International Stalker”
Dorien Grey says:
November 12, 2011 at 11:17 am
Kris, my entire life is one continuing embarrassing moment. Having relatively few is yet another of your many blessings (chief among which is that Asian young man you seem rather fond of).
C. Zampa says:
November 12, 2011 at 11:51 am
No embarrassing moments to share…not that I don’t have any, but mine are so damn boring.
But I enjoyed your first would-be-international stalker…LOL..That made my day.
November 12, 2011 at 8:28 pm
I went on a date today with a ND lesbian. Humiliations galore.
T.C. Blue says:
November 13, 2011 at 12:53 am
Does breaking one’s finger on a luggage cart in the middle of baggage claim count? Because if so, color me humiliated. *hee*