Eternal Life Could Only Be Screwed Up By Your Kid
Posted on August 22, 2011
My freshman English professor at Grand Valley State University once told us that we always think we’ll live forever. Yet, if you look at history, it makes for a pretty strong argument that we’re not going to live forever on this earth. Logic was never my strong point, but even I got the gist of that one. What bothers me is this whole damn aging thing. I don’t have kids. I don’t have brothers or sisters, so no actual nieces or nephews I could bribe. I’m it. And it scares the hell out of me to wonder what might happen if by some odd chance I should develop Alzheimer’s like my father. Who’s going to help me? Better yet, who’s going to put up with me if I become what he’s like? Or worse. He hasn’t hit the mean stage yet and he may not. Something tells me that with my temperament, I’ll probably end up starting that way or developing into it pretty quickly.
This kind of challenge and responsibility should not have to go to my guy. Why? You mean besides the obvious? Because it would impact his quality of life far too much. My thought is it would be better not even to try medications to slow it down–it’s already too late one it’s been diagnosed anyway–unless they have a cure by that time. I wouldn’t mind a cure. If not, then let it run its course as quickly as possible. Hell, put me on medication to speed it up and get me off the damn health system conveyor belt of sucking up insurance dollars to keep me alive in a state I don’t remember anyway. That’s not living. That’s going through the motions and it’s not something I’d be happy with…provided I could remember it.
And…for the love of God…can you imaging the kinds of things I’d be saying to people if I became uncensored and had no idea what I was saying?
Rest Home Visitor: Aren’t you just the cutest, most adorable little old timer?
Moi: Oh, (censored) off you (censored) (censored) (censored)!
Yeah, not pretty. And with my luck, author Patricia Logan will wind up my roommate in the next bed. As if she’d ever get that lucky, though.
It’s also been suggested lately that I might do or have done well as a father. I don’t know about that. Other folks do wonderfully as parents and many do not. I tend to run into the ones who do not. Yes, I love that your child is running and screaming unsupervised like an unholy terror throughout the store. Please, allow them to run in front me again while you don’t pay them the least bit of attention.
That’s my kind of luck, which isn’t Patricia Logan’s kind of luck. It’s the exact opposite.
And my luck at raising a kid? Oh, boy. My mind keeps going back to TRON: Legacy. Flynn’s son is essentially a hothead who doesn’t listen and completely disrupts everything his father set out to accomplish. Flynn even sat by for an extended period of time, maturing, until Jr. comes and screws everything up. One might even say that the son is responsible for the father’s demise. Twenty years ago, I’d have sided with the kid. These days? I side with the father because it would be my kid putting me in the position of ending my life to save his stupid ass.
I’m suddenly understanding why somebody made a movie called Stupid Teenagers Must Die.
Maybe my life end will very differently and with a bang instead of a whimper. Would that be a bad thing? I have no idea. I’m not sure I’d want to see it coming. To have to sit/stand/lay there realizing I have tiny, finite amount of time left? I wonder what those last thoughts would be…
a) I wonder if Ralph will find that Blu-Ray I bought and didn’t tell him about,
b) Damn it. There are still three people on my $hit list who I didn’t tell to suck it yet,
c) I knew it! I was right! I was right about all of it!
d) Shit. Ralph’s Hong Kong Grandmother is going to bury me after all!
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.
4 Responses to “Eternal Life Could Only Be Screwed Up By Your Kid”
Dorien Grey says:
August 22, 2011 at 8:00 am
Intimations of mortality are not pretty. But I empathize with yours!
Patricia Logan says:
August 22, 2011 at 3:53 pm
You should be so lucky as to bed down next to me Mr. Gair. Better still, you could bring your partner and I could watch! *waggles eyebrows and winks*…. 🙂 :):)
GA Hauser says:
August 22, 2011 at 8:04 pm
Well, dear, we all must go some time or another. But at least you can laugh *sort of* about it.
Just get your head frozen. Ralph can play with you when you’re gone.
August 24, 2011 at 5:36 pm
Eat more curry, Kris-san. Turmeric among other things is said to be effective in preventing the onset of Alz. Nice blog on “bummer” topic. 🙂