Forget Indiana Jones…Andy Stevenson Has Sex!

Posted on May 27, 2008

Hey gang!

Exciting news. I would have added another exclamation point there, but I don’t want to overdo it. Oh, heck, let’s overdo it. Exciting news!!! There. I feel better. Don’t you? A draft of the cover art for Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins should be in my e-mail box this week, so I’ll finally have an idea of just what the overall package of the book will look like. Am keeping my fingers crossed…and a few other extremities. Why? Because I can…even when it twists and hurts a little.

This latest little bundle of cyber-joy also features the last character interview–albeit insulting interview–from the Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins novel. While I would have preferred to send it out in a week or two, it’s going to be pretty busy here putting lists of potential reviewers together so that copies of the book can be sent out to them, arranging book signings and additional promotional…um…things that make my life sound far more interesting than it actually is. You see, I live a simple and humble life of purity. I know because the nuns who raised me tell me so.

Now, are you ready for the final interview? Good. Thought so. Allow me to introduce Alan. I don’t remember if he has a last name and if he does, it was never a big enough plot point for me to remember anyway. Suffice to say that he’s one of two potential suitors Andy (the main character…that much I do remember) meets at school after Christmas. Is there chemistry? You bet! And it’s the kind you don’t have to study for.

Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins (by Kristoffer Gair writing as Kage Alan)

Moi: So, tell me about yourself.
Alan: I was born in England, but one of my parents is American and the other is Chinese. Also, I spend all of my summers in Hong Kong and I’m in the second semester of my freshman year of college.
Moi: Which is when something wonderful happens.
Alan: Something wonderful?
Moi: You start dating Andy.
Alan: ‘Dating’ is such a strong word. I mean…I know him.
Moi: Aren’t the two of you in a relationship?
Alan: One has friendships with gweilos…
Moi: Gweilos?
Alan: White ghosts. Someone like Andy. Like you.
Moi: So you only have friendships with gweilos?
Alan: One doesn’t do anything else with the help.
Moi: The help?
Alan: Sure. That whole thing about Asians being subservient and taking care of their gweilo’s every whim…it’s really just a false sense of security we create to better control you. Ask your partner. He’s Asian. He knows.
Moi: Didn’t you just get done saying you were half-gweilo, too?
Alan: And that part of me does cause lapses in judgment from time to time.
Moi: So Andy is just a lapse in judgment?
Alan: He is kinda goofy.
Moi: I know. I wrote him that way.
Alan: Don’t sound so defensive. Geez. Writers… Andy means well, but every time he opens his mouth? Let’s face it, something bad happens.
Moi: And yet he seems to like you. Why don’t we discuss some of the other characters in the story? Tell me about Miss Kim.
Alan: She scares me.
Moi: Why?
Alan: She likes to hug me and whisper “Oreo cookie” in my ear.
Moi: Okay. (ponders this) Why?
Alan: Why does she do anything? Because her name is Kim. That’s the only reason she ever needs.
Moi: (pauses) I’m sorry…we need to go back to something. It really burns my ass that you won’t admit how you feel about Andy.
Alan: He’s a good guy. There, satisfied?
Moi: Satisfied? I’m not talking about a Richard Marx song. As I recall, a major plot point has Andy defending your honor.
Alan: Okay, a really good guy. Are we almost done? The Golden Girls are on in a few minutes.
Moi: I don’t recall writing you to be this difficult.
Alan: My role in life is to rule.
Moi: You mean like my partner with me?
Alan: Absolutely.
Moi: I don’t think so.
Alan: Who cooks?
Moi: I do.
Alan: Who cleans?
Moi: I do.
Alan: Who does laundry?
Moi: I do.
Alan: Who folds and irons his clothes.
Moi: He does.
Alan: Don’t lie.
Moi: Fine. I do.
Alan: Who’s the bottom?
Moi: I… (long pause) Is there a point to this?
Alan: I rest my case and everybody can read about it next month. Oh, and I’ll see you all in the third book!
Moi: Your ass can be written out it quite easily.
Alan: Let’s ask your partner about that, shall we?
Moi: Grr…

Until next time,

Kris

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

One Response to “Forget Indiana Jones…Andy Stevenson Has Sex!”

Jeff says:
January 21, 2012 at 2:37 pm
Ok fish…stop harassing the help…they are doing the best they can with the directions Ralph gave them.