Gay Asians, Shameless Reasons Not To Give Up Your Potatoes!

Posted on April 21, 2014

I type in some very odd random searches into Google from time to time just to see what the results are. And yes, I sometimes type in my own name just to read the gossip. It’s how I found out there are scammers out there using my picture in their online profiles…poor bastards. Anyway, Ralph was giving me a playful hard time over the weekend, so I typed in something about gay Asians misbehaving with their white boyfriends—or some such thing—and came across a post from 2013 by Angry Homosexual titled ‘5 Reasons Asians Should Give Up Potatoes’. I mean, how could I possibly not read it with a title like that? I’m married to an Asian and I’m considered a potato because I’m white. Why in the world would someone be telling him to toss me back into the potato orchard…patch…er…place where potatoes come from? As you might guess, I don’t share his opinion.

Angry Homosexual’s first reason to get rid of the white guy is that we need our Asians more than they need us. Sooooo not true. Oh, I need Ralph. I’ll not deny that. But he needs me, too. For those of you in a multi-cultural relationship, tell me your boy/girlfriend’s friends who happen to be from the same culture aren’t looking to see how well-behaved you act in front of them. It’s a testament to how well-trained you are. Why? Because white guys can be trained and the better trained you are, the higher the status it gives your Asian. I’ve been trained. Mostly. Sort of. I just happen to like to misbehave. Angry Homosexual also says, based on statistics, there are 3 Asians fighting for my attention. Girl, if only! But alas, it’s not to be. No ego boost for me and I wouldn’t know what to do with more than Ralph anyway.

The second reason is that the Asian will eventually get dumped for a younger, cuter Asian. Okay, also not true, and it may or may not have something to do with whether or not the white guy has been properly trained. Unless the white guy is getting dumped, there’s no reason for us to look for someone younger because, quite honestly, we never know how old our own Asian really is, so how do we know if anyone else is younger or older? And cuter? Please. We found someone willing to put up with us and be seen in public with us. If we see a cuter Asian, then they’re going to be with someone cuter than we are. And should a cuter Asian look my way and I happen to look over, my shock collar goes off, thereby stopping any shallow thoughts before they can cross my mind.

Reason #3 is that rice queens don’t care about Asians as people. I tend to agree with him here and it’s because I’ve met a couple of certifiable rice queens over the years. There was a friend of a friend who used to go around saying “My Filipino brothers and sisters…” I remember hearing him say that the very first time—and he said it often after that and prior to my hearing it—leaning over to my friend and asking “Does this bitch know he’s white?” Might it also not be fair to say, though, that some potato queens are certifiable, too?

Which brings us to the fourth reason, that white people age faster. No, we don’t. We age at the same rate as everyone else. Has Angry Homosexual never taken a chemistry…er…biology class? We simply tend to age worse. Yes, we wrinkle a bit earlier in life and we can gain weight. I’ve also seen my fair share of Asian men with tummies, too. So what? It happens. Some white guys, if we’re lucky, can age gracefully and actually look quite dashing in our old age. As for wrinkles, there’s one wrinkle that Ralph and I both have that we always know how to get out.

Finally, Asians will wind up old and lonely. I find this difficult to believe. First, if our Asian has outlived us and made sure there was a will made out leaving everything to him, then he’s off traveling the world and hanging out with his friends. He’s not lonely. He’s buying shit with our money! Plus, if he still looks younger than most people, he’ll have admirers. Ralph has a line of guys who want me out of the way. I can’t say the same for anybody who’d like a crack at me. I ‘always’ hear “You have such a lovely husband! What did you do to deserve him?” His friends tend to look at him with reverence, glance at me, then turn back to him and ask him “Really?”

So, no, Asian men, don’t go throwing your white guys back to the potato trees or bushes from whence they came. The relationship can work despite what the other blogger feels. Angry Homosexual does tend to be relying on stereotypes a bit and that’s okay because I see the flaw in his logic. He mentions early on in his post that when it came to picturing his ‘ideal’ guy as white, he woke up and smelled the coffee. The flaw, dear readers, is that real Asians drink tea.

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

15 Responses to “Gay Asians, Shameless Reasons Not To Give Up Your Potatoes!”

Dorien says:
April 21, 2014 at 7:53 am
Anyone who can compare caucasians to potatoes and then go on to write an entire blog about it has my admiration.

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Kris says:
April 21, 2014 at 10:36 am
Well, actually, that’s the correct lingo. =) When it comes to Asian/white relationships, someone managed to get terms to stick to us. Asians are referred to as rice and whites are potatoes. Weird, huh?

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susan R… says:
April 21, 2014 at 11:03 pm
Age is in the eye of beholder or your insurance company…. There’s a seven years age difference between me and hubby. Him and I don’t feel it. As for finding a younger or newer model, Nope and Why? It took me 15 years to mold and training him to the things I like and dislike, I’m not about to trade him in and start all over again with a teenager that old enough to be my son…lol…

The bottom line is when you love someone age, wrinkle, fat, sick or anything else doesn’t really matter. I’m in love with the him and life wouldn’t be the same or fun without him…My heart still beat the same or even better since the day we’ve gotten married… and each year my love for my hubby gets better. Now don’t get me wrong there are days, where he bothers the hell out of me, but it still doesn’t change the way I feel about him or how much I love him.

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Patricia Hebel says:
April 21, 2014 at 9:15 am
I can see it now, stepford gay wives. Robotic, perfectly trained, etc. Now that would be an interesting book for you to write. For all those folks out there who think gay married couples don’t have the same problems as straight married couples, they just need to read your blogs.

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Kris says:
April 21, 2014 at 3:48 pm
It’s the nicknames people come up with describe us that get me. Ugh.

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Patricia Logan says:
April 21, 2014 at 10:38 am
Oh bitch, puhleeze spare me. I’ve been married to a Persian for 28 1/2 years and if I have to hear one more person say, “Persian Women are the most beautiful women in the world,” I am gonna cut off their head with a dull spoon and hurl right down their neck. Or, I love this tradition of Seezda Bedar (everyone going to the park and hauling along a gigantic picnic of boiling hot food two weeks after the first day of spring… Nowrooz)where all the Persian women show up in 4 inch stilettos which sink into the grass and frickin black and gold spandex pants and all the white chicks come in comfortable casual and Skechers. Don’t they know I spent 5 years teaching him about the wonders of deodorant? When my sister-in-law stepped off the boat and moved in, you would have thought there were farm animals in my house (masked by taking a bath in Gucci perfume of course) You’re right though; it is all about the training.

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Kris says:
April 21, 2014 at 3:50 pm
How we decorate where we live is definitely a difference of opinion with us. I was allowed to do with the apartment whatever I wanted while we were, so I had tons of framed movie posters on the walls as well as pics of myself with certain celebrities. It was fun and loose. The house, however, is his domain. It’s extremely tasteful and there is a color scheme. We’re working on the merging of the two. =) Never had issues with smelly relatives, though. Evil? Yes. Smelly? Fortunately, not so much.

Would LOVE to see you walk in 4″ stilettos! Can you wear them to OutlantaCon?

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Patricia Logan says:
April 21, 2014 at 8:13 pm
Sure! That’s gonna happen… NOT!

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susan R… says:
April 21, 2014 at 11:12 pm
Patricia Not all Middle Eastern women are beautiful. I know plenty of them that are down right ugly, nasty and mean. Who masked their beauty with a facelift and a nose job… Of course non of them are me…lol

As for her funky smell, I hope to God you address the deodorant hygiene with her.. Even though some may think it’s insulting, it really is not… If you love someone, then you tell them how to fix their issues, so others don’t talk behind their back… I’m so happy someone addressed this issue with my mother and she did the same with us… The best Deodorant that works on Middle Eastern is Ban or Degree.

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c. zampa says:
April 21, 2014 at 11:58 am
Don’t think there IS a cuter Asian (forgive me…rice? Or is HE the potato?…lol) than your husband, Ralph. Hmph.
And he’s got a pretty cute potato himself. 😉
Hugs to you both.

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Kris says:
April 21, 2014 at 3:51 pm
Oh, he’s pretty darn cute alright. =) Never lets me forget it either. I just remind him nobody would put up with his bad habits. lol He always relents on this point.

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c says:
April 22, 2014 at 12:25 am
first of all not all Asians are the same. I am not a potato queen. I happen to be asian/pacific islander as well and I came to the US based on my professional skills. i have a career and generally, i’m to looking for drama in life by wanting to be with someone just to say that i am not single.

white guys have been stereotyping gay asians as looking for older white or unattractive white men to be the sugar daddies. also there is always drama! i have dealt with some potatoes before and from my experience, what potatoes think is not always the case. white skin doesn’t sell all the time.

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Kris says:
April 22, 2014 at 9:55 am
You are absolutely right that Asians are stereotyped here. I’ve seen it and I wholeheartedly agree with you. I’ve also never understood why I see the younger/older thing either. It doesn’t make sense to me, but then it doesn’t have to since it doesn’t impact my life or happiness. I wound up with my husband due to his strength of character, not his ethnicity. But now that we’ve been together almost 20 years. we tend to poke fun at each other. =)

This was mostly meant as a satirical response to the other guy’s original post.

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Eden Winters says:
April 22, 2014 at 6:31 pm
Can I rate your post five stars and write a review so powerful that you will reread your blog and say, “Dang! I said all that? I’m gooooooood!”

You can take any topic and make it comical and riveting, can’t you? I always love reading what you have to say. I don’t like labels applied to people, but you turn them on their ear!

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The Authentic Gay says:
November 11, 2016 at 5:38 pm
Here’s our response to The Angry Homosexual’s original article: http://www.theauthenticgay.com/gay-asians-and-potatoes-angry-homosexual/

________________________
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.