Guess What My Ralph Has For Me!
Posted on November 10, 2011
Here’s a perfectly unrelated-to-anything-else-going-on-at-the-moment random thought; why does split pea soup go in smelling like split pea soup and come out still smelling like split pea soup? I can’t quite figure that one out and I only ever remember to ask when I’ve actually eaten split pea soup the night before. And it’s not like I can ask Ralph, mostly because his lips start moving, only there’s nothing I want to hear coming out of them. Speaking of my little nest of vipers, he’s due back from Hong Kong on Saturday for less than 24 hours before he flies back out again. I’ve missed him despite whether or not he’ll admit to missing me, though he says he’s got something for me. Oh, yes. He’s got something for me alright!
It’s a new phone. Get your collective minds out of the gutter. Sony still hasn’t started selling the phones he picked us up overseas last year here in the US this year yet and now we’ll have the upgraded version. It’s so Ralph! Yes, the thoughtfulness, too, but also him realizing I’ve finally started understanding how to use my phone and we can’t have that. No, we have to keep the white guy subservient and barely comprehending the technology at his fingertips. That’s the Chinese way. Of course, even he would have a difficult time measuring up to the two mouthwatering half-pounders I’m looking at right now!
Reese’s Peanut Cups. SEARS was selling two half-pound cups in a package and while I have no idea who’d they make decent gifts for, I picked up two packs. Trust me, they were flying off the shelf info the hands of people who look like they spend too much sitting at home reading the Harry Potter books and thinking dirty thoughts about the actors playing the characters in the films! I’ve been to conventions and seen these folks in person. Trust me. It’s an accurate comparison. I’m currently looking at one of the packs on my couch and wondering if one pack might be sufficient to give as a gift, leaving one pack for Ralph and I to munch on. Yes, I’m thinking of opening one tonight, but there’s no way in hell I’ll finish one…and admit it. But I have a plan!
No, it’s not a plan with the peanut butter cup. Although now that you mention it, I’m sure I could come up with a plan that included Ralph and the peanut butter cup. It involves ice cream, hot fudge and me not getting much of any of those because he has an appetite for sweets. And that kinda explains his attraction to me. heh heh heh Anyway, the plan. He doesn’t know it yet, but after I return from dropping him off at the airport on Sunday, I’ll be busy transforming the flat into a winter wonderland.
My guy comes home for Thanksgiving with the best of intentions of helping me decorate the place after the holiday. The opportunity just doesn’t ever present itself and the closest we get is him becoming a project manager and telling me where things should go. It irks me and that tickles him. The thing is he really likes how I decorate the place and I love walking into the room and catching him standing there looking at everything. I think it touches a part of his inner child and that smile and gaze means more to me than any gift someone has given me. Yes, even Blu-Ray.
So I’ll be doing a little bit of decorating each day starting Sunday until it is the peak of perfection when he arrives home for the Thanksgiving holiday. He won’t have to worry about lifting a finger to decorate and we’ll probably spend Thanksgiving evening after the festivities camped out in the living room with all the Christmas lights on, sipping tea, eating cannolis…and me ignoring him when he suggests we get to bed early so we can get up at 4am to freeze our asses off at stores where we don’t regularly shop for items we don’t need for prices we wouldn’t pay even if we did.
Ah, the holidays are upon us!
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.
3 Responses to “Guess What My Ralph Has For Me!”
Sara York says:
November 10, 2011 at 9:06 am
Awww a phone…Okay it was a nice gift. What a sweetie.
Dorien Grey says:
November 10, 2011 at 9:15 am
Ah, it brings a tear to the eye and a Mona Lisa smile to the lips. You’re a saint, Kris, and I just hope that Ralph person appreciates you.
November 10, 2011 at 1:38 pm
If you mention Christmas shopping again, I will hunt you down and do violence.