If You Think You’re Safe, Then You’d Better Read This

Posted on December 5, 2013

We’ve all had bad years before, haven’t we? Sure, some more than others and some less. It does seem, however, that the overwhelming majority of people are expressing a supreme amount of dissatisfaction with 2013. I know. I’m one of them. Why? Because it’s the year that keeps on giving! We lost my father-in-law, I had hernia surgery, it’s screwing with Ralph’s trip overseas and it tried to give me a double root canal yesterday. Yes, my referral dentist drilled the wrong tooth. His reasoning? “Teeth kinda look the same.” Really? That seriously deserves a WTF??? But what really gets me is this thought; as bad as 2013 has been, what if it handed out only the bare minimum of what we could have gotten?

Entire towns could have been wiped out by tornadoes! Oh, shit. They were. Okay, there may have been floods! Oh, shit. There were. Wild fires? Earthquakes? Typhoons? Meteor strikes? Check…check…check…check… Shit…shit…shit…shit… Right. Well, then the gays could have been blamed! Oh, hell. We were? Double shit. Seriously. A Russian journalist blamed a meteor striking Chelyabinsk on the country’s GLBT movement. Now, I’m no world traveling brainiac journalist, but I’m pretty sure if the GLBT community was going to be at fault for a meteor, we’d have somehow found a way to aim it and take out Vladimir Putin. I’m just sayin’.

Hell, we got blamed for the series of tornadoes that ripped through Illinois last month. Why? Because Illinois approved same-sex marriage. It even came to light earlier this year that gays are the actual blame for God causing the great flood that caused Noah to escape in the ark. We were apparently singing weddings songs at gay weddings that far back and Management didn’t approve. Management being God, of course. Is there anywhere to escape the wrath against our existence? If so, it’s not Colorado where we’re blamed for the flooding, drugs and abortion issues the state was/is facing. Wouldn’t we have taken out the ski slopes or does our kind like to ski? We sure as hell wouldn’t take out the tennis courts. It’s gotta be a ball thing.

Did you know the gay community was blamed for Hurricane Katrina back in 2005, Hurricane Isaac in 2012, the 2010 earthquake in Haiti, the Virginia earthquake of 2011, and the Japan earthquake/Tsunami in 2011? Let’s also not forget we’re the cause of the US marriage decline, 9/11, flooding in the UK, the Catholic Church’s pedophile problems and global warming. This is apparently what happens when we break with God’s law. Huh. Whose law does that go against if someone happens to be agnostic or atheist and believes the gays are responsible for these disasters?

It does beg the question.

The tell-tale sign if we’re truly responsible for nature acting out will of course occur in 2014 if Hawaii sinks. I could see a point or two having some credibility if that happens. In the meantime, we’ve allegedly been busy getting Alec Baldwin’s show cancelled in order to give him time to reflect on his social awkwardness issues. The sad thing is for all the crappy press he’s accumulated, the man is a really, really fine actor. I think he’s talented, only he appears to act like an asshole.

Victoria Jackson hasn’t been making as much news this year as she has in the past. The only thing she suggested in 2013 is having a White History month and calling on people to “save our country from the God-hating communists like Alec Baldwin…” Huh. It seems that with her own hatred of the GLBT community, she and Alec should be having lunch. And, if they happened to have a gay server, they stiff him of a tip and leave a really disparaging note about his lifestyle. I say ‘him’ because it happened to a ‘him’ and appeared to happen to a ‘her,’ only it came out that ‘she’ has a history of lying and may have made the incident up. The jury is still out.

Just…wow. I’m not sure it’s safe to have all this power. Imagine the things we could screw up if we strategically placed ourselves in key locations and had God send natural disasters our way. He’s obviously not concerned with the innocent since he’s smiting them down as well. And we’re obviously more of a concern to Him than those lousy, scheming terrorists, rapists, murderists and other ‘ists’ out there in the world.

So, yeah. Don’t mess with the gays. You think you’re safe? We even got the Pope to resign. Seriously. I checked. We got blamed for it. You could be on our list.

Or it’s all bullshit.

For the record, I had an entirely different blog post I sat down to write for you today. That first paragraph is as far as I got before it decided to go entirely in its own direction. Thank you for staying with me this far. It almost became satire, but it’s sadly true.

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.