It’s What I Do (and a Week of Oddities)
Posted on August 25, 2011
A couple of very odd things happened this week. First, I had two absolutely peaceful and wonderful nights of sleep. It’s such a rarity these days because I’ll overheat, freeze, overheat, toss, turn and repeat multiple times throughout the night. I blame previous co-workers for this who were hot flashing at work. I think I ended up on the same cycle. Anyway, I’ve had so many lousy nights of sleep that it became the expectation, so when I slept like a baby Monday and Tuesday nights, it felt like an absolute blessing. Trust me. It’s not that I was being rewarded for doing something right. I think I just received a short reprieve, which leads in to the other oddities.
I can’t remember what my father was like before the Alzheimer’s. I’ll sit, concentrate, think and think and think and try to remember, but it’s like there’s a reflective wall staring back at me and the only images are those that are current. He was a different man then. He was deeply thoughtful, thoughtfully deep and ever so analytical about things. Dad could separate emotion from any situation and remove himself from the equation. I’m only just starting to understand why that’s important and while I know I’ve learned from him, I can’t remember having conversations with him.
This bothers me greatly. We don’t have digital footage of the family interacting. The technology didn’t exist then. We never made home movies and we didn’t get a camcorder until I was in college. Mom hates having her picture taken and refused to be videotaped, so I just never recorded them. I’ve got nothing to provide a frame of reference, nothing to spark a memory in me.
His base behavior reflects parts of who he was; a desire to be helpful, a desire to provide and a desire to care. But without his memory, it’s completely directionless and on constant repeat, which leads to frustration on his part and ours because he no longer understands why he’s unable to do these things.
The final oddity this week has been a general sense of dread and negativity coming from people. It’s as if a defeatist attitude has started to run people’s lives who’ve fought against it for so long that they’ve just given up and given in. This astounds me. As shitty as things can be with the family, I’m still trying to keep a sense of humor, look forward to things and not let it get me down. Life has to fight to bring you down, to it’s normal for it to be a fight for you to keep morale up. It works both ways.
So welcome to my Thursday. I’m looking forward to seeing Ralph this weekend. I’m looking forward to DragonCon and having William Shatner bring me tea in the morning. I’m looking forward to the WEHO Book Fair and seeing GA Hauser again. I’m looking forward to getting married next February. I’m looking forward…because that’s what I do.
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.
One Response to “It’s What I Do (and a Week of Oddities)”
Deborah Hobson says:
August 25, 2011 at 8:37 am
Congrats on setting a date! : )