Key West, Bronchitis and a Conversation With My Left Hand
Posted on January 23, 2008
Right, so I’m a little bit evil, right? I fortunately come by it naturally, so it’s not like I have to summon the willpower when an opportunity presents itself. Oh, no. I have to summon the willpower not to do something. And now that we’ve established that again, I can tell you what I did to our friend down in Key West this past weekend.
Once we found out that we were going on our little mini-vacation, it occurred to me that Miss Kim hadn’t been properly…well…worshipped in a while as a fluffy goddess should. I decided to take one of the digital pictures she accused her partner of sending me and putting it on a t-shirt…4 t-shirts to be exact. Sweet, right?
Three of us were wearing our shirt when she caught up to us after parking her car. She saw the back our shirts first, which had “Key West 2008” printed on them. Her first thought (according to her) was “Oh, they’re giving away t-shirts. Ain’t that cute?” We then turned around and she saw the fronts.
“Where did ya’ll get those nice… I hate you. I hate you…I hate you…I hate you.” Then she turned to me. “And I hate you!” Little confirmation was apparently needed for her to understand that this might have been one of my little pranks. Yes, our little surprise worked like a charm!
We then spent the weekend watching the kitty man, eating seafood, drinking key-lime freezes and taking lots of pictures. Sounds tranquil and perfect, doesn’t it? Kinda. It had an interesting end, though.
Miss Von wasn’t feeling well and, after the first night, spent the weekend in the hotel. She had Bronchitis. She gave it to Miss Kim. Miss Kim was hanging out with us. Miss Kim gave it to me. I arrived home Monday night barely able to do much more than drink liquids and swallow medication. Fortunately, Ralph and Albert haven’t come down with anything more than a sniffle. Why am I always the one being punished? (sigh)
And speaking of punishment, I’ll leave you with a conversation I had with my left hand before bed last night.
Moi: Hey!
Hand: Yo.
Moi: So…
Hand: Don’t even think about it.
Moi: Oh, come on. I had a rotten night sleep last night and this one doesn’t look to be much better.
Hand: And that’s my problem how?
Moi: You could help.
Hand: Not gonna do it. Now turn over and try to rest.
Moi: This will help me rest.
Hand: Okay, first of all, you’re medicated. Penicillin, Nyquil and aspirin…any of those ring a bell?
Moi: What about them?
Hand: Do you remember that song, ‘Little Willy’?
Moi: Yeah, I love Poison’s remake!
Hand: That’s just sad and it makes me ashamed every time you use me to turn the CD player on.
Moi: Screw you! Now what about the song?
Hand: “Little Willy, Will won’t” and neither will yours.
Moi: How do you know?
Hand: Have you seen it lately? It’s not coming out to play.
Moi: You could always coax it.
Hand: Or not. Go bother the right hand, will you?
Moi: The right hand is still dealing with a nasty cut from an even nastier Stone Crab.
Hand: Yeah, ya see what happens when we listen to you? ‘Oh, I’m hungry. Lift that big juicy piece of butter-drenched crabmeat up to my fat mouth so I can feed my oversized slovenly gut.’
Moi: Slovenly? Fuck you!
Hand: Not toniiiiiiiiiight.
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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.
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