Living Proof That Gay Men Aren’t Always The Smartest
Posted on February 5, 2007
There’s a stereotype about gay men being one of the richest demographics and also the most intelligent. The Religious Right would most likely argue that case now, but I’m here to tell you that it’s probably not true anyway. I’m living proof. Okay, follow me here…
Anybody familiar with the weather in Michigan over the past few days understands the concept of COLD. Freezing, actually. Total blue balls. So, I gas up the car last Friday around 6:30pm because I don’t want my gas line to freeze. Intelligent, right? I thought so. I also realized as I was filling the car up that the carwash, which had previously been broken several days prior, was working again. Nobody else seemed to be aware of this. Even more intelligent, right? My car would be clean and there was no wait.
I topped the tank off and paid for a wash…the Gold wash as opposed to the Silver or crappy one. After all, I’m worth it and so is my car. I drove up, punched in the code, continued in and waited for the magic to happen. The following represents the closest recollection of my thoughts:
“Now that’s a nice layer of soap…a bit thicker than I remember. Very nice. Very even for a change. Still a bit thick, but even. Cheap ass owners aren’t skimping for once. There you go…second sweep. I paid for you. Ahh, clean! Clean! Clean! Damn that’s thick. You know, that’s REALLY thick. Is it supposed to be that thick? They must have put some new stuff in there to get that kind of clinging power. Is it rinsing? I can hear the water, but it doesn’t seem to be taking the soap off. Is that…is that ice? It can’t be. Oh, shit. IT IS! Where’s the button for the defroster? WHERE’S THE BUTTON FOR THE DEFROSTER??? Right where it’s always been, dumb ass! Full throttle!!!
Oh, God…what’s that? It’s the wax cycle! I’m waxing the frozen soap and dirt… WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT WASHES HIS CAR IN FREEZING WEATHER??? A bit redundant to ask, sporto. Is that another rinse? It would fracking help if I could see out the window! Okay, the heat is helping and the wipers are breaking the ice up. Outstanding. Whew! Thought I did something really stupid for a minute. And… Okay, put her in gear. I need to move forward and get under the dryer. What was that noise? Were those the brakes? There we go. Drying. Nice. Nice dry. Keep drying. Is that ice on my mirrors? I can’t drive with that. Shit. Now I’m going to have to roll the window down and see if I can scrape it off with my hand. Hey, my hair didn’t get messed up when I was outside gassing up the car. Something went right tonight.”
“ROLL THE WINDOW BACK UP! ROLL THE WINDOW BACK UP! Stupid dryer turned back in my direction and…aw, shit. My hair is parted in completely the opposite direction now and… Am I thinning? Oh, hell no. Damn it!! Where’s the scraper? Drive forward. Stop. Roll the window back down and scrape like hell! Man I’m tired. This is why I need to go back to the gym. Or…I could win the lottery and pay somebody to do this for me. That’s more realistic. Oh, great. What is that dumb ass looking at? Hasn’t he ever seen anybody get their car washed before?”
So there you have it; proof that not all gay men are as intelligent as we would lead you to believe.
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.
8 Responses to “Classic Blog Post: Living Proof That Gay Men Aren’t Always The Smartest”
Dorien Grey says:
April 23, 2011 at 10:44 am
Darn it, Kris…I was looking forward to your saying that either your doors froze shut, trapping you inside, or that, as has happened so often to me, the door locks froze so that, once you got out of the car the key mechanism froze and wouldn’t let you back in. Well, go wash it again and see if it’ll do it this time.
April 24, 2011 at 9:06 am
Actually, D, my car locks use to freeze up in the winter and if I left the door open when I started the car, they’d lock, then not unlock. Then I’d shut the door when I’d brush the snow off only to find myself unable to get back in. It happened.
Phoenix Emrys says:
April 23, 2011 at 12:45 pm
Okay, I have definitely hurt myself laughing at this. Yanno what would have been even funnier? Having a front row seat to the event as it was happening. Pass the popcorn!
April 24, 2011 at 9:08 am
I wonder now if they did have it under surveillance…
Ket Makkura says:
April 24, 2011 at 4:36 am
You know if you just waited a little bit longer, it would have snowed and made your car look cleaner. Shame you didn’t film this; it would have gotten a million hits on youtube.
April 24, 2011 at 9:07 am
If only I had a flip cam back then.
Sawyer Winter says:
April 24, 2011 at 7:00 am
At what point did you realize, “Winter is smarter than me.”
April 24, 2011 at 9:07 am
I realized that winter was smarter than you a long time ago, Sawyer. 😛