May I Have A BLT With My BDSM and PG13 Horror?

Posted on May 23, 2013

I’ve been told I’m an acquired taste. Not everybody likes my sense of humor and that’s okay. My mother doesn’t like horror movies ever since my father took her to see The Exorcist all those years back. But I like them, so I figure there’s a 50/50 chance you will, too. Same with me. Now, when it comes to horror movies, I’m pretty old school. Give me a Friday the 13th, Halloween, Phantasm, Nightmare on Elm Street any day of the week and I’ll kick back with a cup of tea, snuggle with a pillow and be delighted as a kept man by his half Asian master as can be. Not all things stay the same, though. Writing doesn’t. Movies don’t. And I’m not entirely sure I get this whole PG13 horror movie craze to say nothing about BLTs…er…BDSM.

There are several authors who will be aghast at what I’ve just said and feel inclined to make their displeasure known. Moi? Not quite get PG13 horror movies? What’s up with that? Allow me to say that in the absence of gore, a solid dose of suspense always does wonders. For instance, Insidious. Fantastic film despite having a slightly weak final act. It simply didn’t have the budget to pull off what it needed to. Still, I had my fair share of goose bumps. The score certainly helped with that. Unfortunately, not all PG13 fare succeeds quite as well.

Take Mama for example. The first two acts are quite solid and sufficient hair was raised on my arms. The final act, though, falls apart so bad that it completely destroys everything it did right in the first sixty minutes. Again, we didn’t need gore, but following the logic the film presented would have been helpful. Hell, it would have been preferable. The three of us who watched it all had the same reaction and I believe one of us summed it up best with “How exactly did that make any sense whatsoever?” We also saw so much of the CGI creature at the end that it was no longer scary. I hate when that happens!

On the other end of the spectrum is this BDSM craze that’s gaining traction. The whole idea of doms and subs is…hold on a moment. Master is calling on the phone.

<2 minutes later>

Sorry. My Khan wants a few things completed at the house before he comes home on Saturday. Anyway, as I was saying, this whole thing about doms and subs is just too incredible to believe. I mean, I’m not stupid. I know it goes on. I’ve just never seen it, been a part of it or really given it enough thought to have genuine interest in knowing more about the subject. I am, however, reading about it in one of Patricia Logan’s novels.

No, I’m not going to be unkind about the genre. I may be a smartass about it, but I won’t be unkind. Being told what to do and living to please one’s mate sounds an awful lot like marriage, so I’m not quite sure how paddles and flogging entered into it. Maybe that’s what European marriages involve. Or Canadian marriages. I’ll have to ask my friend from Canadia.

What goes through my mind when the subject of BDSM comes up—or pretty much any subject that comes up—is how to make light of it. For those of you who know me, can you imagine the crap I’d say if ever wound up in the position of having to pleasure some guy who considered himself a dom? Seriously? Telling me what to think, what to say, what to do, how to please him… Crap. Hold on. Master is calling me on the phone again.

<90 seconds later>

He also wants some groceries, but nothing from the front of the shelf. It has to be at least from the second product back, otherwise it contributes to his unhappiness. Sorry, where was I? Right. My urge to say something sarcastic if some dom thinks he’s going to tell me what to do and that I’ll enjoy it. Boy, will HE be surprised! He’ll get a tongue lashing like he’s never had and NOT in the good way.

And there we have it. R rated films good, PG13 rated films borderline depending on who made it. Director James Wan? Totally cute. BLTs? Outstanding with crispy bacon, fresh tomatoes and toasted whole grain bread. BDSM? An acquired taste for the discerning palate.

Your thoughts?

________________________
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

11 Responses to “May I Have A BLT With My BDSM and PG13 Horror?”

Dorien says:
May 23, 2013 at 8:38 am
Can tolerate fright, despise gore and refuse to go to a movie I know has it. Can suspend my disbelief but refuse to hang it by the neck until dead. Don’t like sadists or masochists on any level, therefor BDSM is out. Why can’t there be more movies about bunnies?

D

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Kris says:
May 23, 2013 at 8:53 am
Reminds me of a fav children’s book called Bunnicula. It’s about a vampire rabbit.

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Patricia Logan says:
May 23, 2013 at 2:14 pm
May I just tell you that I have tears coursing down my cheeks? This is a classic and I love you so much!!! You kill me some days. It’s really a shame that I haven’t released this book yet. So much to play with. Scaaaaaareda you! LOL

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Kris says:
May 23, 2013 at 3:49 pm
If I’ve made you laugh with a blog post, then I can truly say I’ve done my job. =)

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Shae Connor says:
May 23, 2013 at 2:56 pm
I do not like horror. BDSM, on the other hand…

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Kris says:
May 23, 2013 at 3:50 pm
I love a good horror movie! I love a bad one, too. How can you not like them, Shae??? They’re so much fun!

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Petra Bond says:
May 23, 2013 at 4:29 pm
I don’t like horror movies – I find they scare me and I don’t like being scared!!! Ironically I love Supernatural but that makes me laugh. And has Jensen Ackles …

BLT’s are great as long as you leave out the L and T which may be construed as healthy and I wouldn’t want anyone to think me capable of such a thing.

As to BDSM I really don’t think there is a Dom ready to take you on but I’m sure Patricia could write you one!!

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Kris says:
May 24, 2013 at 8:07 am
I think Patricia recently has. lol She can’t help but giggle about it.

But that’s okay. I may revisit the subject in the second Spacehunters story for the Butt Ninjas From Hell anthology next year.

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Pat Nelson says:
May 23, 2013 at 11:58 pm
Absolutely LOVE this. Classic Kris indeed!! =}

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Kris says:
May 24, 2013 at 8:05 am
This was one of those days, Pat, when I had no idea what was going to come out of me when I sat down to write it. Glad you enjoyed it. =)

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Elin Gregory says:
May 25, 2013 at 5:24 pm
Lovely post Kris. XD

BLT – oh yes please.
Horror of any rating – no thank you, apart from Dog Soldiers[low budget British werewolf flick that made me laugh a lot]
BDSM – it depends. Most of them are all about the sex whereas I find the power exchange more interesting.