MotorCity Comicon Weekend 2012: A Shirtless Jason Statham Is a Good Jason Statham (Part 2)

Posted on May 24, 2012

Ralph called me verbose once. Just once. It only took one time, then I managed to get my hands on some incriminating evidence. He won’t be calling me that again anytime soon. Well, at least not for another 16 months, then he’ll be free and clear to call me that once again. You people have NO idea what it’s like to be married to a half Asian. Not only does he understand ancient Chinese secrets that poor gweilos like me don’t, he also understands gweilo psychology because he’s half gweilo himself and overcome it. Yes, he’s suppressed those genes and understands my own. It’s scary. I thought he just wanted in my jeans. I was apparently wrong. Anyway, where were we? Oh, yes. Day two of our weekend that includes a shirtless Jason Statham and some highly harrowing laser tag battles.

Right. Shall we get to it then?

Saturday was another early day for us. Well, for me. I was up at 6 while my guests got to be lazy and sleep in. Once they finally roused themselves, I kicked the morning off with homemade egg, cheese and sausage sandwiches. Lindsay had an agenda that day and it’s one that many gay men, myself included, love to indulge in; shopping! We headed out to Great Lakes Crossing, partook in buying a thong or two, some CDs, a gift for a friend, and then caught the new Jason Statham film, Safe. Sure, Jason had a few shirtless scenes that kept Lindsay’s and my attention and it had some action that kept Don’s attention, but the film was sadly what I’d term a disaster.

How so? Easy. The first five minutes alone are ridiculously complicated in terms of the timeline. It’s jump forward…jump backward…jump sideways and try not to get whiplash. And, okay, honestly? I haven’t seen an action film that relied on so many stereotypes since the 80s. I’m sure they’re out there, but I haven’t seen them. And I really thought we were beyond the kind of racism prevalent throughout its 90 minute running time. I feel horrible for anyone of Russian or Asian heritage who watches this. It really just felt unnecessary and didn’t add anything to the movie. There. I said it. If it’s going to be there, have it mean something. Here’s another tip to director Boaz Yakin, try holding the damn camera steady so we can actually see what’s going on during an action sequence. You don’t quite have a grasp of how it’s done. I love Jason Statham as an actor, but this–in my own opinion–is not one of his better projects.

After a brief stop home to drop off our thongs…er…purchases, we headed out to Laser’s Edge to play some laser tag! We used to go to Laser Quest, but since they closed the local store, we either had to drive thirty minutes away or look for a new place. Fortunately, Laser’s Edge is much closer and after playing, we were impressed enough to want to come back. There are team matches, the guns are smaller, the vest targets easier to see and hit, and it was everything we were looking for. This was the first time we could play together and not nail each other with friendly fire. It’s a bonus. Believe me. It got a little ugly in the past when we’d start shooting each other by mistake.

Another local favorite for my friends is having at least one meal at Eddie’s Drive-In. Burgers, hot dogs and deep fried pickles were on the menu that evening. Yum! The movie for the night’s entertainment was their choice, Horrible Bosses. I was kinda “eh” about watching it, but I laughed my ass off! I’ve had a few horrible bosses and I think we all can find little things in just about any boss that are portrayed in this film. Some of the exchanges between Jason Bateman and Kevin Spacey reminded me of ones between my current boss and I. Fortunately, my boss isn’t nearly as evil. Well, yet.

Sunday started off with chocolate chip/peanut butter chip pancakes before heading out for two more games of laser tag at Laser’s Edge–yup, we liked it that much–then grabbed a pizza for lunch. Unfortunately, like an orgasm, all good things come to an end…this time not as abruptly as an orgasm. My friends had to return home. They didn’t want to. I didn’t want them to. They left…and they took their thongs with them. We’ve tried during the last year to get our schedules to match up for another weekend, only it just didn’t happen. Maybe we’ll get luckier over the next twelve months. That would be nice. We’ll see.

Until then, we’ll always have laser tag. Huh…can you imagine how much money a place could make if they set up a laser tag arena during DragonCon? How much would you pay to play against a team of celebrities? Seriously, I think I’m on to something here!

I’d pay good money to hunt Julie Caitlin Brown in a laser tag arena. Ya hear that, witch?

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

One Response to “MotorCity Comicon Weekend 2012: A Shirtless Jason Statham Is a Good Jason Statham (Part 2)”

Dorien says:
May 24, 2012 at 9:50 am
Busy man, busy life. Definite upside, Jason Statham shirtless. Definite downside,
chocolate chip/peanut butter chip pancakes (dear LORD!)–a definite ipecac moment.