Pud-Pounding Pickler Chuggers–Interview With A Character Part 2
Posted on April 9, 2008
Interview 2
I’m very pleased to be sitting here with Miss Kim, a feisty transplant from Gary, Indiana, and one of the characters from my upcoming novel, Andy Stevenson Vs. the Lord of the Loins. This college sophomore is sassy, she’s brassy, she’s living proof that black is beautiful and she has personal protection orders out against her in two states!
Moi: Thank you for taking the time out for a little chat.
Miss Kim: My pleasure. Ya’ll are kinda cute.
Moi: Uhh…thank you, but I’m taken.
Miss Kim: No, you aren’t.
Moi: Yes, I am.
Miss Kim: No, you aren’t.
Moi: Yes, I am. Now how would you describe your role in the story?
Miss Kim: Integral.
Moi: Could you expand on that?
Miss Kim: Without me, there’d be no story. Meow meow meow. I’m a gift to us all.
Moi: Could you expand on that point, Paula Abdul?
Miss Kim: I’m the fabulous leader of a little group of college friends consisting of myself, butt-pirate Andy and short, straight, sexually frustrated Ryan. I guide us, take care of us, make sure we stay out of trouble while breaking several state laws and have my womanly way with many of the fine young bucks on campus.
Moi: That isn’t… That’s not even close to what happens in the book.
Miss Kim: Yes, it is.
Moi: No, it’s not.
Miss Kim: Yes, it is.
Moi: No, it’s not.
Miss Kim: Yes it is. I’m also a fabulously wealthy novelist at the end of the story who’s making millions with my Diva Labahn series.
Moi: No, you’re not.
Miss Kim: Yes, I am.
Moi: No, you’re not. I read the book.
Miss Kim: Oh. Well, in that case, they’re talking about featuring me prominently in the sequel.
Moi: Lord of the Loins is a sequel and no, they’re not.
Miss Kim: Yes, they are.
Moi: No, they’re not.
Miss Kim: Yes, they are. Or they’re giving me my own spin-off.
Moi: Where the hell are you pulling this out of? No, they’re not. I did hear that based on the popularity of your character so far, you may be making an appearance in another upcoming novel by the same author.
Miss Kim: No, I’m not.
Moi: Yes, you are.
Miss Kim: No, I’m not, but I haven’t seen a script yet. We’ll talk.
Moi: I’m getting a headache, so let’s keep moving. Several folks have read Chapter 1 of the new book on KageAlan.com and written in with questions for you.
Miss Kim: I have fans!
Moi: Apparently.
Miss Kim: That wasn’t a question. I have fans!
Moi: This is from Randy in Boystown. He says “Miss Kim, what’s up with the meowing? I don’t get it.”
Miss Kim: And you won’t either, honey. I meow for the same reason you hook up with your pud-pounding pickle chugger every night; because we can. Meow meow meow.
Moi: That was… Oh, my. And this is from Albert in Chicago. “Miss Kim, how do you stay in such incredible shape?”
Miss Kim: That’s easy, Albert. Have you ever heard of a restaurant called The Golden Corral? I highly recommend it. And thank you for noticing.
Moi: Chad from Schaumburg asks “Miss Kim, is it really the size that counts? I’d love to ask you out.”
Miss Kim: Oh, hell no! Obviously Chad pays for his play. Honey, go bother someone with low expectations. You can’t take a bodacious woman like me to Heaven tickling my Lovepie Supreme with a Mini-Me batter-beater.
Moi: Miss Von from Fort Lauderdale wonders “Miss Kim, I’m having abandonment issues. How can mama buy herself some happiness?”
Miss Kim: By using your own %&$@& credit card, that’s how!
Moi: Your friend in the book from school, Ryan, asks “Miss Kim, have you ever been mistaken for a drag queen?”
Miss Kim: I don’t need this shit. My name is Kim!
And thus the interview was over.
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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.
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