Sexercise

Posted on April 21, 2016

“You should try sexercise.” Yeah…No.

I’m doing this thing that I typically do every so often. Ralph says I do impressive 180 degree turns on a subject when he least expects it, yet he says I’m predictable. This, my lovely readers, is life with my Asian. In this case, I finally got fed up with having a double chin and a bit of a gut, so I started power walking again 9 days ago. I used to do it when dad was still alive, but after he started getting worse, I just didn’t have it in me. And now that I’ve apparently had food in me, I needed to start walking again. However, during a conversation with a friend—another Asian since they’re deemed the only acceptable friends a gweilo like myself can have—he said I should sexercise.

My first thought is he’d been through a sexorcism and it muddled his brain a bit, then I wondered if anybody had written a bad porn film titled The Sexorcist. Probably. If not, well, all you budding filmmakers, take note. I mean, I like the idea of supplementing my regular exercise with sexercise, and as long as I wear my Fitbit on the correct wrist…you know, I’m all set.

Yes, I just made a joke at my own expense. Why? Because my sex life is a bit of a joke. Ralph only makes it home every couple of months, and when he is home, he’s busy coming up with a list of things he wants me to do when he leaves again. But even if he wasn’t doing that—and he does—we’re talking about a man who says the wrong things during sex. Do you know how most people achieve the heat of the moment and shout “Yes…Yes…YES!!!”? My husband says “No…No…NO!!!”

wtf?

Incidentally, I found out it was because he was multitasking and checking listings on eBay items he was bidding on. That’s what our love life has come to. It didn’t used to be that way. I remember him constantly giving me the tap on the shoulder when we first started dating. We could be in the car, in the hallway, in a movie theater, dancing, or pretty much anywhere. He would tap me on the shoulder and I would do my best to satisfy him. It usually entailed coupons, but sex was sometimes involved.

Nowadays? He’ll walk in the door, take a shower, then I’ll take a shower, and join him in the bedroom.

Moi: Do you wanna see it?
His Majesty: Why? Can’t you see it anymore?

Despite what the Chinese say, this is NOT foreplay. Sarcasm is an art form and it has no business in our bed. I asked another friend if he’s that way with his husband. The answer was a resounding “NO!” Yes, his gweilo likes some hanky panky every so often, but my friend doesn’t base his decision on sarcasm. Hell, he can barely spell it. Instead, he bases his decision on whether or not his husband has cooked for him, hung any blinds or pictures my friend has tasked him with, and whether or not the quota of gweilo obedience has been met.

My friend who suggested sexercise is Vietnamese, and he assures me that the Vietnamese are much more open to sexercise than the Chinese. I would playfully suggest to Ralph and our other friend that I be allowed to make an informed opinion of my own on the subject, but I really don’t want to have to go through the hassle of having my passport revoked, my license lost, being added to the TSA Do Not Fly list, my phone bugged, my social media monitored, cameras installed inside the house, and an ankle tether attached to me.

And, believe it or not, THAT also constitutes foreplay to them.

So, have any of you ever added sexercise to your routine?

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.