These Over Those: Your Feminine Wiles Have No Effect On Me!

Posted on November 29, 2012

Do you remember a cartoon with a little boy and girl standing next to each other arguing? The boy thinks the girl should listen to him because he has ‘one of these’ and she comes back at him saying that her mother told her because she has ‘one of those,’ she can have all of ‘these’ she wants? Or some such thing. I remember seeing it (the cartoon) when I was growing up and wondering why by the power of Grayskull anybody would want one of ‘those’ when ‘these’ were so much more fun. Okay, the He-Man reference was a little after my time, but you get the idea. And then you grow up thinking that your main quest in life will be to get one of ‘those’ or as many of ‘those’ as you can. And they who possess ‘those’ are led to believe they possess great power over anybody with ‘these.’ Meh, we all bought into the lie.

I’m tempted to call it the Great Lie, but it sounds a little negative and it really shouldn’t. Why? Because there was so little information about the community back then, that children could be born this way or that we were just like everybody else. We really are, just with subtle differences…like built-in sarcasm and a whorish affection for designer labels. So due to a lack of knowledge, we were all fed the basic ideas of what to expect and strive for while growing up. You go to school, love sports, watch sports, yell at the screen like you’re participating in sports, graduate, go to college, get a job where you’ll be for the rest of your life, fall in love, get married, have children, retire, spoil your grandchildren, then die happy and content. Not that I’ve put much thought into remembering that last bit…

I dated a few girls in high school, mostly for two reasons; it was expected of me and I was curious as to what the whole thing was about. And by ‘the whole thing,’ I’m talking about the flood of teenage hormones and emotions that gathers like a thunderstorm and then dissipates just as quickly. No, not premature ejaculation. Rather, the beginning of what we refer to as chemistry between two people. It’s also something I never experienced back then (and no, I didn’t experience premature ejaculation back then either). I wanted to–chemistry, not premature ejaculation. I kept hoping I would (same point as previously mentioned). It just never happened and the idea that it might actually bothered (I believe) the girls I was dating then. Why? Because they didn’t want to give one of ‘those’ up for an unpopular one of ‘these.’

For the record, I may suffer from premature articulation, just not the other thing.

Same thing in college (about not experiencing chemistry, not anything premature). A lot of ‘these’ were trying to get into ‘those’ and ‘these’ were willing to do so based on whatever whim was needed by they who owned ‘those.’ Can you see how complicated it all got? I had a couple of chances for ‘those’ in college, but I was so curious to experience this spell cast by ‘those’ that when it didn’t occur, I can’t say I was the least bit interested in where ‘those’ led. Nope. I was still doing pretty well concentrating on ‘these’ to be bothered.

A few since then have tried to use their power over ‘those’ to tease my ‘these’ in order to get me to do some task or mundane thing I didn’t really want to do. My lack of enthusiasm typically confounds them. “But I have one of ‘those!’” Oh, honey, ‘those’ are so overrated. Come back to me when you have a better offer. Got a cute brother with a huge one of ‘these?’ If so, we’ll talk.” We never do. Apparently one of ‘those’ can’t tempt any one of ‘these’ that I’d be willing to obey. Nope. It takes one of ‘these’ to land a worthy one of ‘these’ that won’t go near one of ‘those.’

Now, I’ve tried to explain this to a few people in the past just as I’m explaining it to you now, but I’m typically met with very bizarre, very confused and somewhat piteous looks before they shake their head, turn around and walk away muttering obscenities and still trying to puzzle it all out. This is common sense, folks! It can’t really put it much simpler. Well, maybe I can.

Your feminine wiles have no effect on me!

Am just sayin’. You may now go back about your day.

Hug noises,

Kris

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

19 Responses to “These Over Those: Your Feminine Wiles Have No Effect On Me!”

Dorien says:
November 29, 2012 at 9:51 am
May I suggest you consider incorporating slide presentations with your blogs? (On second thought, considering the subject matter, perhaps not.) I’m still a bit unsure as to which are “these” and which are “those.” But, then, I’ve led a very sheltered life.

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Patricia Logan says:
November 29, 2012 at 4:16 pm
I just LMAO for like 10 minutes Dorien. Thank you!!!

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Kris says:
November 29, 2012 at 5:52 pm
Ms. Logan will explain it to you, D. Oh, Miss Logan? Time to put your boots on!

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Vastine Bondurant says:
November 29, 2012 at 10:51 am
I think I have one of ‘those’. Not sure, I got confused after a bit there.
But, you know, those (not to be confused with ‘those’) who have ‘these’ often use their ‘these’ to manipulate as well.

I’ve never used my ‘those’ (or is it ‘these’ for female?) to get what I wanted from a ‘these’. I’m one of ‘those’ who has more pride than that, although ‘those’ have been historical in luring ‘these’. But it is also vice versa, and those ‘these’ can be pretty teasy, too, to ‘those’ of us who are bewitched by the face of a cute ‘those.’

Is that clear? LOL!
Enjoyed your post, I think. LOL

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Kimber says:
November 29, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Vastine, there was a post? LOL

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Patricia Logan says:
November 29, 2012 at 4:18 pm
Yes, Kimber, a completely USELESS post!!! lol

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Kris says:
November 29, 2012 at 5:54 pm
Oh, Vastine. I had a heck of a time keeping my own post straight when I was writing all those these and those. It was a complete Andy moment (the main character of my first two books). He gets stuck on a word or two and then spends too much time trying to figure it all out.

Consider this post satire. It should help explain the lack of actual logic in it.

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Kimber says:
November 29, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Kris, love… I’m not even sure what I was planning to say at this point. I’m pretty sure I agree with Vastine, in that I have a those, but I’m so discombobulated, I would have to check.

Now, even though the feminine wiles have no effect on you or any other man with a these that is interested in a these and not a those, isn’t it possible that the owner of the other these would try and manipulate with the these that they have at their disposal in order to get the these that you (not you specifically but in a general sense) have as well?

Never mind…I’ve confused myself. I think. I’m not sure. It was a lovely post…if it really was a post and not an exercise in mass confusion.

LOL

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Kris says:
November 29, 2012 at 5:56 pm
We’re both confused, Kimber. This was just one of those posts that got blurted out rather quickly and reminds me of the saying “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.” Very appropriate, I think. Ask Logan. I have lots of bullshit to spare. lol

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Lysana says:
November 29, 2012 at 1:54 pm
I know which joke you meant, so I managed to follow the plot. I confess that while I comprehend the majority of humanity is allowing itself to be slaved to this whole “gender = anatomy” thing alongside possessing a lack of attraction for more than one gender, I just don’t “get” it. I don’t care that y’all are only sexually attracted to one gender, mind you. I just wish you’d stop framing it as intrinsically linked to anatomy. It’d make a lot of people’s lives easier, especially those covered by the T in that LGBT acronym people love to fling around while not thinking about anyone who exists past the second letter. Cheers!

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Kris says:
November 29, 2012 at 5:59 pm
The one thing I didn’t anticipate with this post, Lysana, is that it would be taken for something other than satire. There are some elements of truth in it that I borrowed from my own life, but it was more of using the frame and then playing around with words while trying to keep it all straight.

I think, too, that back when I was in high school and college, the overwhelming majority of people I knew were slaves to the gender/anatomy thing. Does it stay like that as we get older? Not at all. Not for many.

But the overall intent of the post certainly wasn’t meant to be serious by any means.

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Nick Thiwerspoon says:
November 29, 2012 at 4:07 pm
From this side they’re “those”. But, hey, when you’re on that side, they suddenly become “these”. I think.

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Kris says:
November 29, 2012 at 6:00 pm
Kinda has my head spinning still, too.

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Patricia Logan says:
November 29, 2012 at 4:15 pm
“Those” are overrated? Really you brat? I will have you know that my “those” has been praised on many the occasion, by those who covet “those”!!! My “those” is one of three of my favorite assets and my “those” has given me… well let’s just say… the men have worshiped my “those” on many occasions 🙂

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Kris says:
November 29, 2012 at 6:00 pm
The little voices in your head do NOT count as worshipers. 😛 Am just sayin’.

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Kiernan Kelly says:
November 30, 2012 at 1:55 am
Wait…aren’t “these” and “those” plural? Does that mean that you have more than one of these? How many, and can we get pictures?

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Kris says:
November 30, 2012 at 10:12 am
Nooooooooooo!

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Patricia Logan says:
November 30, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Oh good God Kiernan! Don’t ever ask for pictures. He may just post them publicly and then my eyes will burn away right in their little sockets just like Pam in Supernatural when she looked at an Angel. It would be horrid. BTW, I’m still unconvinced that he even has one of “these” at all

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CR Guiliano says:
November 30, 2012 at 5:54 pm
I’ve got nothing. *snickers and smh*