Werewolf Movies Give Me Wood…Is That Wrong?

Posted on July 1, 2007

Horror movies are fun! I grew up watching Creature Feature, Sir Graves Ghastly and just about anything else on TV that had a horror element to it, like the acting in “Buck Rogers”. But werewolf movies? Kind of a favorite even way back when. I think it was that whole puberty thing because I’m so not into Bears. Hair sprouting out of the skin while growing fangs = Cool! Hair sprouting out of some sweaty, moley, overweight guy’s shirt = Ew! And it needs to be said twice; EW EW!

Anyway, all the black and white werewolf films kind of lost their glamour when “An American Werewolf In London” came out. I was 11 and there was a naked guy in a rated R movie on my screen with one of the most spectacular transformation sequences ever…until “The Howling” came out the very same year! David Naughton was cute, but people in “The Howling” got to have sex while transforming. To an 11 year old, that was the dookie! (11-year-old slang)

The films have slid a bit since then. In no particular order, we’ve had “The Howling 2” staring Sybil Danning’s breasts, “The Howling III” with its humping marsupial kangaroo/werewolf things, “The Howling IV” with its remake-like mentality and lack of mentality, “The Howling V” (which I liked) with its lack of werewolves, “Howling VI” with its clever use of “V”s and “I”s in the title and little else going for it, “Howling 7” with its country soundtrack and lack of, well anything… Can you see a pattern here? Then there was “Silver Bullet” with its lack of the second Corey, “Bad Moon” with crappy CGI effects, “Dog Soldiers” (terrified me!), “An American Werewolf in Paris” (speaking of crappy CGI), “Dark Wolf” with its Dark Hole of effects/acting/direction/story and, of course, “Ginger Snaps” (loved the first one).

One of the more promising recent releases was “Big Bad Wolf”. It wasn’t perfect, but they tried and the results showed. Also, there’s a rather cute blonde in the film who, if a sequel ever happened, I wouldn’t mind seeing shedding his clothes. Well, all in the name of the story and if it advances the plot…which it would for viewers like me. la la la la la…

There are TONS more, most of them low budget crapfests that have similar problems. No money. No talent. And nudity? Who wants to see boobs all the time? They bounce. Big deal. I’ve had the misfortune of seeing Bears with bigger boobs than Playboy playmates. Let’s see more male…um…things! It’s only fair since women have been exploited for years. If Simon Rex did a nude scene… Wait, he did gay solo porn. Okay, if Leonardo DiCaprio showed off his… Wait, he did in “Total Eclipse”. Right, if they can do it, why can’t others? More genitalia in the movies! That should be Hollywood’s motto for the Halloween season.

“The Wanking Willy of Warsaw”, “Throbber The 13th”, “The Loch Ness Trouser Snake”, “The Texas Chainsaw Meat Whistle”, “A Set of American Hairy Bagpipes in London”, “An Organic Dildo on Elm Street”, “Bubba Ho-Hard On” and, of course, “28 Dongs Later”.

So, yeah. Werewolves. Wonderful sub genre of the horror genre. Totally gave me wood growing up.
Is that wrong?
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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.