Into the Lair of the Grandmonster (Day 5)
Posted on January 30, 2009
“This time, it’s war!” Aliens
5 days of bliss is apparently 5 days too many. Yes, folks, war was declared today and it started off so splendidly…maybe evenly. At least not unexpectedly. We woke up around 8 a.m., had a nice cup of tea together as a group and then hastened out to do our 2009 Hong Kong bank tour. During each visit, Grandma forces us to wander around from one bank to the next in order for her to show off her first born grandson (if you’re not first born, you so screeeeeeeewed!) to workers who could care less, move money around and otherwise kill an entire perfectly decent morning. It is, as Ralph explains, the way of things. I’ve come to think of it as ‘the charming way of EVIL’.
That’s not the bad part.
One of the poor souls who has no choice but to serve her as a minion of evil decided to meet us for lunch at the Kowloon Hotel.
That’s not the bad part either.
Ralph ordered the Business Set luncheon for us, which was several tiny courses spaced out over an hour and a half. Here’s where things started to go wrong. None of us realized that the Shark Fin Soup was the Sour and Spicy kind…until we all took our first sip. Um, holy shit! HELLA OUCH! HELLA HOT!! And I knew, I fracking godsdamn KNEW that the liquid fire going in was going to be liquid fire going out worse than that stupid colon-cleansing cabbage the day before. But I get ahead of myself.
So here’s where things got worse. During the course of a pleasant conversation, our guest (the aforementioned minion of evil) mentioned a Taiwanese friend of hers who travels all over the world, invests, owns her own company and, oh, by the way, is single and currently in town. Cue Grandma to pipe up and remark how remarkable a coincidence that is and whisper whisper shhhh shhhh.
If you, dear reader, haven’t already said it, I’ll say it for you. THAT WITCH. This makes twice she’s done this to me in the last 3 years. Grandma isn’t stupid. She’s just annoying and very well aware that Pookie and I are together, and she continually attempts to undermine the relationship by pulling these little stunts. I thought I was going to have to invite this evil old witch outside and throw down with her right then and there, but I don’t, though I am clenching the seat to my ass like I would an Asian porn star on a first date.
As expected, Grandma does an end run around me and sets a dinner up for Saturday night. That just so happens to be Ralph’s birthday. Adding insult to injury, she asks him if I would be offended if she took him out to dinner with the aforementioned Taiwanese friend and didn’t invite me along.
Okay, folks, I don’t know about you, but I was seeing red at this point. And I was honest when I told him that I wasn’t the least bit offended. I just neglected to mention the colorful metaphors I WAS feeling. I guess part of my birthday gift to him is going to be not creating a scene over it.
I stewed on that for several hours until we were to meet our friend, Jerry, at Time’s Square. He was on his way up to the 9th floor…which is when the Shark’s Fin soup started a rather loud, gurgling journey to my ass from wherever it had been laying in hiding. I now know I have buns of steel because nothing was getting out until I found the local toilet…on the other side of the mall. And those three sons-of-bitches who were occupying the stalls when I walked in? The one who was talking on the cell phone received a scolding I know he didn’t understand, yet got the gist of. Just like I thought, it was liquid fire going back out. Jerry was a bit leery inviting us over to his flat after that. Think about it. Would you want someone who just ran to the bathroom shouting “My ass is on fire!” sitting on your furniture?
XOXO Gossip Guy
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.
10 Responses to “Into the Lair of the Grandmonster (Day 5)”
vastine bondurant says:
June 23, 2012 at 9:47 am
Okay, so now I concede that wicked grandmother may just BE a little wicked. That W****!!! LOL…
June 23, 2012 at 2:17 pm
A little wicked? Be thankful I’m not sending her down to stay with you when she comes to visit in a few months. 😛
June 23, 2012 at 10:40 am
I’m sorry, Kris, but you don’t understand. You’re with Ralph only because, as Grandma knows full well, he hasn’t met the right woman. You are merely a phase he’s going through and as soon as she can find him a suitable female match, you’ll be but a dim memory as Ralph presents her with 30 or 40 great-grandchildren. It’s the way of the world, I’m told.
June 23, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Mr. Grey? I’m going to fly the Hong Kong Grandmother in to Chicago and leave her with you in an enclosed room with a locked door for 1 hour. I don’t expect you to live beyond the first 5 minutes.
Sue Brown says:
June 23, 2012 at 12:38 pm
And you haven’t killed each other yet? I am astonished. You survived fire by bowels and lived to tell the tale. She must think you are indestructible.
June 23, 2012 at 2:18 pm
You may have a point. Maybe that’s why she is backing off a little.
PD Singer says:
June 23, 2012 at 1:59 pm
While I can’t begin to understand the dynamic between Pookie and Grandmonster, I am kind of scratching my head over the part I am not seeing here. She may want to leave you out but what did he say?
June 23, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Their dynamic is kinda simple. She made it a point in her life to be a huge, major influence in his life from the moment he was born. First born grandchildren tend to be the focus point. So, for 30+ years, she’s always been there for him. There would still be friction if he was dating a woman, especially if she (Grandma) didn’t pick her out for him.
Now, his response was what caused issues between us. He didn’t see a problem with it. I did. My friends did. His friends did. He still didn’t and was surprised they did. It took a year and a half before he finally started to realize and understand how his decision that trip impacted our relationship.
Katherine T. says:
June 24, 2012 at 11:35 am
Her evilness hasn’t worked. She must be more than a little puzzedat how her schemes against you have all failed over these many years. Maybe some day it will dawn on her that above all else, love always wins. 😉
Lloyd Songal says:
March 10, 2013 at 3:51 pm
So funny, yet not. I can’t believe you held your tong; you mist be some kind of saint. I would have at least said to Ralph, totally ignoring the monster, well if that’s how you would prefer to spend your Birthday; Don’t wait up for me when and if you come home. Cal Bitch.