Let’s Get This Gay Marriage Planned: Pre-New York Part 1

Posted on February 27, 2012

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. A self-professed extraordinarily intelligent half Asian stud and a self-deprecating smart ass author white guy fly to New York City, dress up in their best suits, and ask a Jewish Rabbi to marry them in a non-religious ceremony. You’ve heard it, right? Great. Okay, let me back up a little bit.

I’ve lost count of the number of weddings I’ve either attended or stood up in. They make me weepy, but that’s the romantic in me. I’m also a bit of a traditionalist and my parents–at least my mother–remembers me saving toys and vinyl records for when I got married and had children one day. It seems kinda silly when I think about it now, though, don’t you think? Dogs don’t really play with toys like I did and dogs are about the closest we’re ever going to get to having children. Fish don’t either and if you think they give me dirty looks now, just wait until I drop a Micronaut into the tank with them. But I digress. I’m here to share some thoughts and reflections about last week when Ralph and I tied the knot. Ready? Here we go…

This is definitely going to take a couple of blog posts. To start, I consider myself extremely lucky that my guy finally agreed that we should get married. I’ve brought it up to him in the past, but his stance has always been that we didn’t need a piece of paper to say we were a couple…that and it wasn’t legal at the time. When it became legal in a couple of states, he switched tactics and stated he wanted to wait until Michigan legalized it. Suffice to say that we had a lesson in mortality during the last year and a half, so he softened a bit and agreed the timing was right, that we should finally do it.

I told him that I’d take care of everything. I’d plan the entire event, do it on an incredibly low budget , and all he’d have to do is show up and say “I do” and that he’d obey…or I’d obey…or whatever it was that needed saying. For me, the trick was arranging all of this in less than 6 months since I wanted it to take place on February 22, 2012, our 17th anniversary. I was VERY specific about this. Ralph doesn’t know this, but I actually looked into getting Jane Wiedlin from the Go-Gos to marry us, then realized I was the bigger fan. So, I then looked into booking Dawn French (the Vicar of Dibley herself), but that didn’t turn out to be particularly practical and information was incredibly difficult to come by. Let’s not even get into the cost of it all. Besides, didn’t I make a promise to do it on a low budget?

Since I couldn’t exactly recreate a wedding from Sex and the City, I thought I’d find one of those Little Wedding Chapels in Manhattan. There isn’t one. Or, if there is, I couldn’t find it. But, during my search, I did uncover a site that listed a gentleman by the name of Steve Blane, a Jewish Rabbi who performs non-religious same-sex ceremonies–or religious ones if you want to go that route. I looked him up to see what folks were saying about him, gave him a call, liked what I heard and booked him. And since we weren’t local, we decided to use his office for the ceremony, which holds up to about 20 folks max.

Now that I had that taken care of, it was time to book the hotel. We stayed in a decent one, the Hilton Garden Inn Chelsea, a year ago when we attended the Rainbow Book Fair. I found a decent price for the room, made sure there were two queen size beds so that Ralph and I could go from one to the other during the throws of passion (looking for directions to Macy’s), clawing each others bodies (to get to the TV remote) and engaging in a little red-blooded nocturnal mating rituals all hours of the day and night! Which is exactly why when his mother agreed to come to the ceremony that he…I mean we…invited her to stay with us. Yes, he…I mean we…didn’t want her feeling uncomfortable or thinking I…I mean we…might want to have sex.

A few inexpensive flight bookings later and we had the makings of a wedding! Now, I did ask about getting new rings and was greeted with a lecture that the original rings were just fine. I also asked if he might give me his ring so I could have them both cleaned and was greeted with a lecture that they were just fine the way they were. I considered asking him about getting boutonnieres, then realized he’d most likely inform me that our suits were just fine the way they were. Oh, yeah. I also had to buy my first suit. I somehow managed to skate by 41 years with only a suit jacket from when I was 16. No, it doesn’t fit anymore, but it hangs very nicely in the closet and looks threatening enough that I might consider dressing up once in a blue moon. Suffice to say that it keeps the natives from getting restless.

Of course, what would a wedding be without some sort of small reception? For that, I replied upon a friend who lives in NYC. His suggestion? Red Egg…in Chinatown.

That’s the set-up. Are you ready for a little of what comes next on Thursday?

Coming Soon!

Click here for Part 2.

Red Egg, NYC…wonder if they knew a gay wedding reception would be held there…

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

12 Responses to “Let’s Get This Gay Marriage Planned: Pre-New York Part 1”

Dorien Grey says:
February 27, 2012 at 9:32 am
I can’t wait to get to the last line of your tale: “And they lived happily ever after.”

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Kris says:
February 27, 2012 at 12:34 pm
Good thing I’m not George Lucas, otherwise I’d drag it out for 6 episodes, then re-write them all in 3D.

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Amy Mize Johnson says:
February 27, 2012 at 9:39 am
*tosses bird seed because we are being politically correct and not wanting to blow up birds with exploding rice*
I had to get that out of the way since I was nowhere near NY during your ceremony. Now, on to the important stuff…Kris, once again, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Words truly cannot express how happy I am for you and Ralph! And thank you for sharing this important event with us! Wishing you both all the best! *hugs*
Amy

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Kris says:
February 27, 2012 at 12:36 pm
Thank you, Amy. =) There were birds around the place where the ceremony took place, so I’m probably a little relieved you weren’t there to throw bird seed. I can just imagine the feathered little buggers shitting all over us. lol

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Hugh Yeman says:
February 27, 2012 at 9:59 am
Did you come up with *throws* of passion yourself, or did you get it from someone else? In the context of two guys going from bed to bed, that’s just unspeakably, brilliantly funny.

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Kris says:
February 27, 2012 at 12:37 pm
What? Not everybody else does that when they have two beds available? lol

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Jeff says:
February 27, 2012 at 11:23 am
The other question is: Did you break down during the service?

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Kris says:
February 27, 2012 at 12:38 pm
Ironically, no. I came close and so did he. We also giggled. I think I came closest to tear when I read my vows. You can hear it in my voice in the video.

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Jean says:
February 27, 2012 at 11:29 am
All getting-married-folk have to share the tales of their wedding planning. I’ve been waiting for this and enjoying every word. Looking forward to the reception details. Don’t leave anything out!

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Kris says:
February 27, 2012 at 12:38 pm
I promise to try and not disappoint. =)

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Sara York says:
February 27, 2012 at 1:07 pm
Love it! Can’t wait till the next installment.

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Lloyd Meeker says:
February 27, 2012 at 6:39 pm
This is wonderful Kris. I’m so happy for both of you. When Bob and I got married, his cell phone rang in the sporran of his kilt exactly at the moment the officiant asked if anyone had an objection to our getting married. We have a photo of his face at that moment, fortunately not of mine…

Heartiest congratulations!