Shopping For Hong Kong Grandmother Granny Panties
Posted on June 23, 2014
This may come as a complete and total shock to you, but I know less than nothing about women’s undergarments. My understanding of such things is that they should always hold a woman’s bits and pieces in so that I don’t have to see anything more than the general shape…at least above the waist. Below? There shouldn’t even be a suggestion of what lurks underneath, forever ready to snare some unsuspecting male and then crab at him until his brain explodes as he vainly attempts to figure out how it works and how to keep it happy. Based on my experience with straight couples, there is nothing that keeps it happy. Still, Ralph Hong Kong grandmother asked me to take her out shopping for some underwear. Ooh, boy. Granny panties!
Shopping with Grandma is one of those rare experiences in life that will never be considered pleasurable and must ALWAYS be done in moderation for that reason alone. Like her existence, however, it is a necessary evil. The problem is one never quite gets the full story ahead of leaving. For instance, when one might hear the words “I need you to take me to get some women’s underpants”, it’s not the full story. Obviously, the first question is “What kind of underpants?” We know they’re made for women, but there’s typically more to it.
“I want women’s underpants made by Warner.”
Excellent! And helpful. So Ralph does a quick search and tells me they can be found at Kohl’s. I drive her there and she looks at me when we get to the department. “Where are they?” As if I have some great mental feat of pinpointing women’s underpants that happen to be made by Warner. I have no idea, so we look with little success. I finally find someone who works there and she takes us right over to the Official International Choice of Hong Kong Grandmother Panties. There are literally at least 100 different kinds there in all sizes and colors.
“No. I do not think so.”
Que? What is this little bit of horseshit she speaks? I ask what’s wrong with the panties? They are, after all, panties. Women’s panties. Panties worn by women young and old. And they’re made by Warner.
“These aren’t made of cotton. I like cotton.”
Quoi? Women’s underpants are apparently now made with Lycra. So when exactly was it she last bought these women’s underpants made by Warner who made them out of cotton sometime in the past?
“A couple of years ago. I much prefer cotton. It’s softer. This material stretches things.”
Vad? I’m starting to learn more about her lady bits than I’m comfortable with. I don’t need to know that things on her still stretch or stretch at all. I don’t need to know that anything on a woman stretches period. So we return home after looking for a paper organizer that also doesn’t exist in the continental United States in the form she wants and I look the Warner granny panties up online. No such luck. Even the company’s site doesn’t list them as being in cotton anymore. I inform Grandma of my research.
“We’ll look again tomorrow,” she says while nibbling on a large bone that vaguely resembles part of a child’s leg from a couple blocks away who went missing a week earlier. She’s also just dismissed my research.
This annoys me.
We spend yesterday going to an additional five stores proving my point; Warner women’s panties made of cotton can no longer be found, at least not previous worn or on sale. That would have been the next development. I’d take her all over the state and if we found them, she’d take one look at the price, ask if they were on sale and when they weren’t, say “never mind.”
I also had to take her out looking for a pan. Only it’s not just a pan. It was a non-stick pan. Okay. Then it became a 10” non-stick pan, which transformed into a 10” non-stick pan with very deep sides. It eventually came out that she wanted one just like Ralph and I have in our kitchen. She likes that one. She likes that one very much. She’s not getting ours.
“I will talk to my grandson about that.”
I will wrap her worn Warner women’s cotton granny panties around her neck so quick it’ll make her head spin if she thinks she’s getting our 10” non-stick pan with very deep sides!
And that, dear readers, is what it’s like to shop with Ralph’s grandmother.
Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.