Tales From Being Married To My Half Asian Husband

Posted on November 12, 2012

Being a kept man has its advantages. I’m best if kept silent and fed (so I will remain silent) or so my husband says. “Kris should be occasionally be seen, but rarely heard.” Not to worry since it’s never deterred me unless we’re overseas. I don’t say much then, mostly because it makes people wonder if I’m understanding what they’re saying. It unnerves them and that tickles me. But this isn’t all about the glamour of making my husband look good. Oh, no. I study him. Why? Because he has a degree in psychology and if I’m not studying him, chances are he’s studying me. At least…that’s what he’s led me to believe. I honestly never know when he’s screwing with me.

My first misconception prior to meeting him is not acknowledging that my place in this world is subject to change and not what I believe it to be. Ever. And if by chance I ever guess it correctly, it’ll change. Life does not revolve around me. It never did. It just made me think it did so it would get me to the point where he and I joined forces. And just like in the X-Files, the truth was there. It was. As he informed me, the world revolves around him. It’s simply my job to make sure the planets keep spinning, the sun lights his way and he has plenty of tea to drink and cannollis to eat.

I learned to serve. Me love him long time! Trust me when I say the benefits are soooo worth it, otherwise I’d have put my notice in…you know…like…weeks ago.

I wake him up each morning for work, help coordinate his flights with my honorable little brother, buy him cards for family’s/friends birthdays and holidays, force him to sign them, mail them, buy gifts for birthdays and holidays, wrap them, remind him of important things coming up, to call someone when it slips his mind and to get all the bad words out of his mouth before making a public appearance so that things go smooth. Yes, as much as he knows me, I know him, too! I also know he sucks at math, which is the only reason I get away with going onto Amazon once in a while and ordering a little something pretty to watch. Ooh, Blu-Ray!

Ralph has very much become my muse when it comes to my writing. The main characters in my books need a foil, otherwise they’ll have no reason to misbehave. And I love the little details when it comes to all the characters, which he helps me provide whether intentionally or otherwise. I don’t always get them right, though. I read him a snippet of Spacehunters–the short story coming out next year–and I’d named the ship’s computer Bonnie. Why Bonnie? Because it was his former dog’s name and he’s told me if and when we ever introduce a dog into the relationship, she’ll be named Bonnie. I politely disagreed and he politely dismissed my disagreement. So, naturally, I figured he’d name a ship 260 years into the future after something familiar.

Oh, no. No…no…no. I read it to him and his only comment was “You named the computer Bonnie? That’s stupid.” What about the characters? What about the dialogue? What about the banter? What about the humor? Wasn’t it funny? “You need to change the name of the computer.” THAT’S what bugged him? I asked him what he’d suggest. “Nell.” Yes, folks. We’ve now officially ripped off Battle Beyond The Stars and that’s exactly the name of the computer in the story now. There is a conversation between the two characters about this very thing, however. I couldn’t not add a dash of reality to it.

I was also writing in Gaylias 2 over the weekend and had taken a break to talk to the hubby on the phone. There was something I didn’t particularly want to do at that moment and he insisted on it, so I did it. I believe I made some offhand remark that I was too obedient. He replied with a curt “I don’t encourage behavior I don’t like.”

Smart ass.

Oh, yes. Mildly detached, entirely sarcastic, a Vulcan when it comes to emotions, can kill a libido in two paces and gay. His brother? Emotional, whipped, eager to please…and straight. Grrr! Remember what he told me about life? How true.

But he loves me and has said very flattering things about me. I know. I have video footage of it from our wedding when he read his vows. Sure, he didn’t think there’d be a record of it and it would be a total scandal in the Asian community if it every got out, only it exists. I made back-ups. If it ever did get out, they’d give him a slap on the wrist, but erase my cute, supple, muscular white ass and probably all of you for reading this. It helps that I also know he loves me because when he’s home, there’s only one place he wants to be when he’s sleeping; in my arms. If he isn’t, he’ll snore at me until he is. See? Real life love!

I love my Ralph.

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

12 Responses to “Tales From Being Married To My Half Asian Husband”

Dorien says:
November 12, 2012 at 10:28 am
The only two words that come to mind are “Awwwwwwwww!” and “Sigh”.

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Kris says:
November 13, 2012 at 12:21 am
When things work, they work. For everything else, there’s the Hong Kong Grandmother.

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Patricia Logan says:
November 12, 2012 at 11:55 am
You’re such a Sub… I totally love it Gangnamstyle… lol

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Kris says:
November 13, 2012 at 12:22 am
I’m an aggressive sub. I’ll mind to a point, but I’ll also always get even. heh heh heh

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Lloyd.songal says:
November 12, 2012 at 1:02 pm
Sounds like a good working relationship.

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Kris says:
November 13, 2012 at 12:22 am
He does get annoyed with me sometimes. lol

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Jeff says:
November 12, 2012 at 9:12 pm
Le contented sigh.

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Kris says:
November 13, 2012 at 12:22 am
Oooh, a French sigh!

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Katherine T. says:
November 12, 2012 at 10:38 pm
I’m glad I have you to renew my faith in that aspect of life. Cherish what you two have. Some people never get that lucky. You two were made for each other.

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Kris says:
November 13, 2012 at 12:24 am
We were, we know it and we don’t let each other forget it. lol It’s never fair when it’s an even playing field. It just boggles my mind that we’ll be going on 18 years next year. Boggles it in a good way. There will come a day when we’ll have been together longer than we were apart. Funny thing is my life came into focus when we started this relationship.

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Kayelle Allen says:
November 12, 2012 at 11:15 pm
I have a scene coming up where one character is listening to others talk and they don’t know he speaks the language. I was wondering how to handle it. Now I know. Thanks for the inspiration, and the giggles. You rock. ^_^

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Kris says:
November 13, 2012 at 12:26 am
I don’t speak Cantonese, but I’m actually pretty good at getting context. Also, I can blend fairly well where people think I know enough of the language to where they won’t say crap about the gweilo if I don’t want them to. Other times? It’s all in the look of innocence and not responding to what they’re saying.

Hong Kong residents often don’t think the hubby is fluent, so they’ll chatter on about him until he’s finally had enough and responds. The looks on their faces? Priceless.