Uh, Oh. So Here’s What Didn’t Happen…

Posted on July 23, 2015

I’m confused and feeling slightly let down. Remember when marriage equality became the law of the land last month? We were promised an end of times light show. Life as we knew it was supposed to end…HORRIBLY. I even went grocery shopping and stocked up on extra toilet paper and canned goods, plus another can opener or two because you just know the first thing to break is going to be the trusty can opener, then where are you? The most amazing thing to happen that weekend came from the opposition; silence. Well, dumbfounded silence, like they couldn’t get over the fact the majority of the Supreme Court judges weren’t buying their “Just cause we don’t like em’” defense.

I think God was supposed to come down to earth or at least use His/Her power to punish us if marriage equality passed. You know, the whole earthquakes, floods, tornados, feast for the skinny models, famine for the obese population, that sort of thing. It’s stuff the GLBT community has been blamed for in the past anyway, so I’m not entirely certain how anyone would know if it was being done by us or by God.

That also raises the question of which God was doing the punishing. My God? Your God? The Christian God? The Flying Spaghetti Monster? The universe if you happen to be atheist? I find people aren’t particularly specific on this point. They just want their wanton destruction.

So, yeah, we can get married now. I already am, but my marriage is finally recognized in all 50 states, so that’s a perk. Can you imagine the kinds of things that happened in my neighborhood when folks realized they had a married gay couple living near them? We’re talking bonfires, pitchforks raised in the air, mobs walking up and down the streets, brownies, shouting, children hiding, chanting, pool parties, and many nasty comments leveled at us because I have issues keeping up with trimming the hedges. Or, you know, NONE OF THAT.

The people in the community where I live don’t give a shit. I don’t invite myself into their home and pry into their life. Why would they care about mine? They don’t know who I dream of embracing at night while he pushes away from me and calls me “needy white man” in his sleep. Little Timmy doesn’t ask to take me to school with him for Show & Tell. “This is a sodomite. See his highlights, the designer shirt he’s wearing, and nice shoes? That’s how you can tell.”

Not that there hasn’t been some pushing back. There has. Clerks don’t want to marry us. I’m afraid I’m still calling bullshit on that one. You’re in a government position serving the people of the state. I don’t recall ever hearing someone could pick and choose what they wanted or didn’t want to do in terms of job duties. Won’t do it or don’t want to do it? Quit and let someone who will do it in. We still have a lot of unemployment and I’m sure somebody will want the job.

I’m curious at this point if anybody else out there is disappointed by the lack of the earth’s crust cracking open and demons rising forth to punish the US and other countries for promoting equality. Have you noticed any differences I’m missing? Or is it turning into a great big “It’s not the issue I thought it was going to be?”

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Kristoffer Gair (who formerly wrote under the pseudonym Kage Alan) is the Detroit-based author of Honor Unbound, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To My Sexual Orientation, Andy Stevenson Vs. The Lord Of The Loins, Gaylias: Operation Thunderspell, several short stories featured in anthologies (to be combined in a forthcoming book), the recently re-published novella Falling Awake, its sequel, Falling Awake II: Revenant and Falling Awake III: Requiem.

16 Responses to “Uh, Oh. So Here’s What Didn’t Happen…”

Brent Seth says:
July 23, 2015 at 8:51 am
I have to report the same thing; no fires, floods or plagues of locusts. Actually, the last part is a bit disappointing. I could use a plague of locust about this time of year to spare me from having to cut back all the plants in the back yard. Maybe that’s my punishment!

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Kris says:
July 23, 2015 at 10:17 am
Ooh, locusts. Good call. I could use an excuse to stay inside and work on the next story.

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Michael Lehet says:
July 23, 2015 at 8:57 am
What I don’t understand is Christians who DON’T want the Apocalypse. I mean that’s like the penultimate of their religion, I mean if I were a Christian, I’d be praying EVERY DAY for the End of Times to come. That’s all they talk about about yet if it comes they’re gonna be the first ones to say “OMG look what YOU did”

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Kris says:
July 23, 2015 at 10:17 am
I seriously hadn’t thought of that, but you’re right. Weird.

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Dorien Grey says:
July 23, 2015 at 9:19 am
I think most of the major shifts in human existence inevitably evoke, when they at last happen, the response with which you ended your blog: “It’s not the issue I thought it was going to be.” (I’m still waiting for John McCain’s reaction to gays serving openly in the military.)

Nice blog, as always.

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Kris says:
July 23, 2015 at 10:18 am
Thank you, D. I am relieved there wasn’t more backlash. Seriously relieved. The posturing alone suggested there would be rioting.

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promohomo says:
July 23, 2015 at 10:29 am
All hail the Flying Spaghetti Monster! May his sauce rain down on us forever.

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Kris says:
July 23, 2015 at 10:50 am
With bacon bits.

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Patricia Logan says:
July 23, 2015 at 10:43 am
You know, I was in the hospital waiting room a COUPLE of times in the last month and I didn’t see even ONE boil! Not one! I think this apocalypse thing fell flat on its face and you faeries REALLY REALLY fell down on the job. I mean go swish or something and would a limp wrist and a lisp be toooooo difficult. Honestly, I think it’s a lack of commitment on your part.

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Kris says:
July 23, 2015 at 10:50 am
Uh, no, I didn’t know. What were you in the hospital for?

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Patricia Logan says:
July 23, 2015 at 10:54 am
Waiting room, honey. My daughter was seen in the ER for stomach issues but she’s okay now. Antibiotics and she’s all better. And can you imagine, not one gay male nurse? He was probably off marrying another man. lol

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Lee Martindale says:
July 23, 2015 at 11:16 am
Whoa! Back it up! You wear designer shirts? When????

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Kris says:
July 23, 2015 at 10:29 pm
The hubby buys me designer shirts…or at least ones with very recognizable labels on them. I just don’t tend to wear them unless he’s home. I’m a very casual person.

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Princess S.O. says:
July 23, 2015 at 1:57 pm
I was disappointed when the evangelists didnt set themselves on fire… because yanno… we could do with a few less of them. 😛

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Kris says:
July 23, 2015 at 10:30 pm
I think they got a little scared that they might actually have to go through with it. It’s why they quickly changed their tune.

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Kiernan Kelly says:
July 23, 2015 at 11:31 pm
Okay, see, the flaw in your logic is that you’re dredging up old fashioned disasters – plague, earthquakes, what-have-you – which are fairly blase, giving a been-there-done-that vibe.

DONALD TRUMP IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT! The Grand Poobah of Bad Toupees has his sights set on the Oval Office. He wants to turn the entire country into a national version of the Apprentice.

Yup. It’s the end of the world, and I blame you, Kris.

Snort.